The O! Antiphons

Disneyland Afghanistan

2011-11-04T12:43:00.002-05:00

Friends, Romans, Countrymen...and Ryan F,

When someone's giving me directions and he says, "You can't miss it," I know I'm going to miss it. But at least in the case of Afghanistan, I feel less bad since most of the directions I've been given have included, "it's right by the concrete bunker" or "just past the conex box", which, if you can't guess, is as helpful as "look for the pile of rocks by all the sand and turn right." I spent an hour the other day just looking for the gym, and my adventure finding laundry included the response, "Do you want self-service laundry, or do you want to do the laundry yourself?" "Ummmm....yup." Apparently, there is also a drop-off laundry place...kinda like at school. But also kinda like at school, I don't trust it and I would rather not wait several days only to have half my laundry missing.

So anyway...Afghanistan. If I were to pick one word to describe Afghanistan, and it weren't "desolate," "depressing," or "a-menstrual-cramp-on-the-uterus-of-the-world" (that's a compound word...WHAT?!?), it would be "monochromatic." I had so much fun designing "Moscow Disney" with Anna and Becca all those years ago, so I decided to describe this experience in the form of "Disneyland Afghanistan." It would include the following attractions: "breathing in sand and dust," "nearly peeing on yourself while looking for the female latrine" (true story), "escaping to the port-a-john to escape the smell in your room", "not streaming music or movies," "waiting on Facebook to not load [oh woe!]"...and MCMAP. Also, you would be required to enjoy the same attractions, in the same order, every single day, no exception. And the meal plan would include fake milk (I've seen cartons of it sitting around, not refrigerated) and juice made out of "Rapeseed Oil." And French toast sticks every morning!!! Character breakfasts with visiting generals.

Okay, since I can't access my beloved blog without a high level of frustration, I'll do what Jason did for his year in Saudi Arabia and just flood the inboxes of all his "friends" with emailed blog posts. I attached a picture of Camp Leatherneck for your viewing pleasure.

GO NAVY BEAT AIR FORCE!!!!!,
Leslie

p.s. For everyone who doesn't know, Ryan F is a traitorous Canadian...and my arch-nemesis. Also, not a Roman.

We NEED to Pray the Rosary for Families in China...and for our own Administration

2011-08-26T15:24:00.002-05:00

This post originally contained my thoughts on the Vice President's remarks in China, the one-child policy, the privilege of being an American citizen (or illegal resident), the threat the culture of death poses to that privilege, the President's Council on Jobs and Competitiveness, the NLRB vs Boeing, and FLOTUS wearing a red dress during her visit to China.

This just sounds stupid.

2011-08-26T15:18:00.003-05:00

I would be embarrassed if I were the U.S. Surgeon General and this were on my schedule:

"Maybe Michelle should start going after barbershops and salons"

I am seriously embarrassed for our culture.

Stop. Sucking. Now.

2011-08-07T15:29:00.002-05:00

As punishment, I took away your ability to vote more than once on all upcoming polls. I am less than impressed.

Pistol Qual

2011-08-06T16:38:00.008-05:00

So we all know that there aren't many things I'm good at (actually...is there anything I'm good at? Besides maintaining the loyalty of the one reader of this blog, Mary Beth?). And pistol shooting (shooting in general, actually) is NOT one of them.

TBS was an unq'ing disaster (unq = unqualify = not good = extremely humiliating), but after learning some basic things like....don't sight in with both eyes open....focus on the sights and not on the target....shoot at the target....I figured I learned enough that qualing would never be a major problem again. And besides, at TBS I was exhausted from miserable hikes every morning and afternoon, getting up at 4, going to bed late, baking in Black Flag weather, getting yelled at and insulted at every possible second. None of these would be factors here in Lejeune. So I felt all right going into this.

Though I had a brief few days of panic at unqing - I Google searched the patron saint of marksmanship (we have a saint for everything) and found St Gabriel Possenti. A couple days later I found a St Gabriel Possenti medal at church (kinda random since I don't think he's really well known) and I attached it to my scapular and have been wearing it ever since. I also got a medal of Our Lady of Perpetual Help...since I need it...and also I consecrated my commission to her at school. I also attached it to my scapular.

And I knew on qual day I would be completely bling'd out with my rosary and my St Jude (patron of hopeless cases) keychain so really....what could go wrong?

And then I forgot that all the saints need to pray extra hard for me to actually succeed at something since I'm a total disaster.

The day before qual, I researched the "Spirit Byte" I send to Shannon via email every morning and decided to find a St Gabriel quote. When I Googled him, I found a site featuring St Gemma Galgani's reflection on her illness and how St Gabriel Possenti appeared to her, urging her to pray more fervently and consistently for her intention. (I happen to love St Gemma and have had a picture of her in my Bible for years.) It was in this reflection that I learned that St Gabriel Possenti was a Passionist priest (because the Passionist badge ended up being a particularly special part of the story). You can read about it here.

Anyway, that day, after Mass as I was leaving the chapel, I found a card on a table that read "A Passionist Spiritual Gift"!!! I thought it was a sign that St Gabriel would take care of me on the range!! So I went in to Thursday feeling confident that it would be okay.

But Thursday's range was cancelled. Which freaked me out a bit because I prayed that God would just cancel the ranges if I'd unq! But the range was on for Friday.

I woke up at 0430, went in early-ish for company PT, then went straight to the range.

Since I felt okay, I didn't even add up my score until the end of the first relay. I was TWO POINTS off from qualing! I couldn't believe it. I then got really nervous. Just so you know, the points are out of 400 (40 rounds): 245 for Marksman, 305 for Sharpshooter, and 345 for Expert. Yeah I know, getting 245 out of 400 shouldn't be that hard, shut up.

And this is how the relays go: you shoot 15 rounds at the 25 yard line in 10 minutes - "slow fire". Then you shoot 1 round in 5 seconds at the 7 yard line (you do this drill five times - "quick fire"). Then you shoot 2 rounds in 4 seconds at the 7 yard line (you do this drill four times - "quick reaction"). Then you shoot 3 rounds, reload, and shoot another 3 rounds in 20 seconds at the 15 yard line (you do this drill twice - umm and we'll call it "speed reload"). I know this doesn't sound that hard. I know. Oh and I should mention we fire the M9 Beretta (9mm).

I even voluntarily took the M9 MarineNet class (online classes are boring and miserable) and I EVEN TOOK NOTES.

Anyway, I got nervous and sucked royalled. I shot worse on the second relay (231). And even worse on the third relay (217). At this point, I was one of two people who unq'd and the only Officer and just totally embarrassed. And it was ironic that at the 25 yard line, my coaches kept commenting on how I was "tearing up the black"...they said I was remarkably good at the 25 yard line, but as soon as I get close and have to do quick fire, I choke. Before the fourth relay, the coaches did drills with us so we'd get better at the quick fire. But lo and behold, I unq again - a 241. My coach added up the score and wouldn't tell me until the corporal next to me added up her score. She got a 250. "Ma'am! That's great - you know what that means? We only have ammo enough for one more shooter so you can go one more time!" Great. Just...yippy skippy. Cos I really wanted to go through that again.

I was noticeably flustered and discouraged. I hate when I get that way ("not professional") but I was so humiliated and confused and didn't think there was any way I would ever qual. I imagined myself being the only lieutenant in the entire Marine Corps who wouldn't rate a pistol badge. How humiliating. Every time I got discouraged, though, I prayed the St Michael prayer - or just part of it - ("St Michael, defend me in battle, be my protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil...") since I know discouragement doesn't come from God. But I felt like I was a failure as a Marine - there really isn't a single thing I'm good at in Marine Corps-world and that I would never get career designated and that I didn't even deserve the wear the uniform NOW.

My coach let me take a break and said I could shoot the fifth relay when I was ready. I just tried to calm myself down and get myself mentally prepared to do this one more time. I was afraid that I would waste all my shots since I was so mentally and emotionally worn out. I listened to a homily in the car on my drive in to work that morning and Fr Magat (from St William of York parish in Stafford, VA) talked about the wedding at Cana and how Mary said to Jesus, "They have no wine." She didn't make any demands or beg Him for anything - she just listed a concern to the Lord, and how this is a model for prayer since it allows God to act as He will with our prayers and concerns. So as I stood at the 25 yard line, I thought briefly of that and prayed in a sort of sad delirium, "God, I'm not concentrating on my shots" - since I noticed that at the 25 yard line I was getting worn out. "God, I'm a little shakey." "God, I'm jerking the trigger during quick fire."

The OIC is a lieutenant in my battalion and he's also a USNA grad. He asked to see my target. Number 4. He then told me to join him. I expected it to be an excuse to get me away from the corporals and to scold me for being flustered and emotional and to act like an Officer and get it together. But it wasn't. He talked to me like a person. He analyzed my target and gave me pointers on what he was seeing. I really felt dignified. And he said not to feel so embarrassed about poor shooting and that if I'm not shooting well, it's probably because I haven't received the coaching I've needed.

So I went back to the 25 yard line, took a few more minutes to myself. I was so confused that I wasn't doing well after all the prayers - I mean, what more did I have to do?? But I tried to remind myself that this morning, like every morning, I wake up and the first thing I pray is, "Lord, Your will be done today." If it was His will that I'd unq, I can't argue since that's what I ultimately prayed for.

So I said I was ready for the fifth relay. I wished I had shot those two extra points in the first relay and save myself the humiliationg and exhaustion of going through this over and over again. But I tried to tell myself to have fun on this fifth one, not worry about the score, and just try to learn so that next time when I come back to try to qual again, I'll be better. As I began the slow fire, I prayed, "Lord, put my round where you want it to go." I didn't even bother to look at my score after each part of the relay, since I figured I'd unq anyway, and at this point I was pretty used to it.

I slowed myself down for the quick fire drills so much that I got two shots out late...but when I went to my target at the end, I noticed they miraculously hit the target. My coach added up my score and commented on how he saw major improvement. When he was done he said, "Ma'am...you're a sharpshooter." 321. I couldn't believe it. "NO! I don't believe you!" "Ma'am, I PROMISE! And this isn't one of those 'the range hooked you up' kind of things." He let me see my score sheet and I added it up too just to prove it to myself. It really was 321. I didn't shoot anything under a 7 on the slow fire (and I shot something like four 10s and four 9s), and everything else was much higher than in the previous relays. 321. A sharpshooter. And not even on the cusp (305).

I realized that if I shot two extra points that first time, or four extra points that fourth time, or even qual'd at all, I would never have made sharpshooter that day. If that corporal didn't score five points above qual'ing, there wouldn't have been enough ammo left for both of us to shoot again. And I never would have gotten the one-on-one coaching I needed or the extra practice.

And honestly - God bless my coach, one of the corporals there. He was so patient with me and encouraging and he never treated me like I didn't deserve to be a Marine. So different from TBS. I was really blessed to have him there.

I celebrated by buying my Pistol Sharpshooter badge and then I went to a florist (next to the exchange) to buy a rose to present at the Adoration Chapel to thank God. The lady there gave me a free sample of a dark chocolate champagne treat too :D And I also have a souvenir since every time I pulled the trigger, skin would rip off my left thumb...and remember, this happened over 200 times....

I know God is taking care of me...but I don't understand why I have to fail so much before I finally succeed. And I wish my successes weren't just flukes. Every now and then I feel like God is telling me, "Leslie, I'm not going to let you fail." But I feel like that's always for some other time, because I fail so much now. Though, I felt Him saying that to me at the beginning of the fifth relay. I just wished I could finally complete Marine Corps events without worrying about failing. I wish I had actual TALENT, not just a desire or passion to be good.

Mass Celebrated on Mt Suribachi on Feb 23, 1945

2011-08-06T10:49:00.004-05:00

After Mass on Tuesday I found an article on the back of Crusade magazine about how Mass was celebrated atop Mt Suribachi at noon on February 23, 1945. As a Marine, this really moved me. (For those of you who don't know, the famous flag-raising at Iwo Jima occurred on Feb 23, 1945)

Here is a more detailed article about the Mass from American Catholic

Semper Fi

New Poll

2011-07-29T19:55:00.005-05:00

All right, people. Get your heads out of your butts and into the game. HOW is it that NOT ONE of you voted "Ronald Reagan" as "objectively the greatest President known to the United States." ELIAN GONZALES? ELIAN GONZALES, PEOPLE?! What next? A naturalized terrorist-sympathizer??? Well, that makes Elian look like a much better choice.

I made this next poll simple so you (four) people can redeem yourselves. "What am I currently reading?" It's so simple, a Democrat could get it right...all you have to do is scroll down to the section on my blog WHERE I LIST WHAT I AM READING.

What am I currently reading?

a) In Homage to the Pope - Nancy Pelosi
b) An Unabridged Exegesis on the Anti-Utilitarian Movement In Nineteenth Century Russian Literature - Stephanie Meyer
c) Traveling with Pomegranates - Sue Monk Midd & Ann Kidd Taylor
d) I Remember Working at a Soup Kitchen Last Night - Chelsea Handler
e) I Am a Total Sell-out - Dan Brown (with a forward by Ron Howard and an introduction by Tom Hanks)

Answer wisely.

Downward Facing Dogma

2011-07-27T17:55:00.001-05:00

a) I started P90X with my roommate Laura.
b) I need a body bandage.
c) All of the above

Ever since I got down to Lejeune and since I'm not distracted by relaxing at home with the fam, I decided to start hazing myself. Not gonna lie, I was kinda inspired by 1 Corinthians 9:24-27:

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives
the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes
in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to
receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in
such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but
I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to
others, I myself will not be disqualified.

Paul just pumps me up. And as I typed that up, I was pleased to remember that on the opposite side of my St Gabriel Possenti medal is St Paul. It's all coming together!

I'm trying to vary my workouts so I don't get bored and then super-dread working out. So far I've been doing a good job of that - biking, swimming, running, outside, inside, P90X....

P90X consists of me yelling at Tony (the trainer) on the TV and humiliating myself as I attempt to get my body to do what he's telling me to do. I'm at the point that it's not yet a true workout because I'm just flopping my body around in vain effort to do the reps correctly...but even though I'm not...IT STILL HURTS.

Sunday night I decided to throw in the yoga DVD since I was pretty sore and I've been noticing I have the flexibility of a geriatric (what's happening to my body????????????). I turned on the TV only to realize Jeff Cavins was giving a Bible study on EWTN on King David...and since I'm doing a self-guided retreat on David....and since I love Jeff Cavins....I decided - why not?! I'll just keep EWTN on and throw the P90X DVD in my laptop and watch both! Yeah well it got awkward.

It's kinda hard to describe the feeling of Jeff Cavins looking out at you pontificating on the Book of Kings when you're attempting to position your body in such a way that there were times I couldn't decide if this was yoga or if I accidentally put in P90X Kama Sutra. A few times I had to ask myself whether I would have to go to confession after I completed the workout.

And "Crane"? Who came up with THAT? WHO CAN DO THAT? I felt like an idiot. I basically sat on my head while the P90X people performed their insane Cirque de Soleil craft.

A Patriot Act

2011-07-24T22:22:00.002-05:00

With the economy in the wreck that it's in, I did what any dedicated patriot would do - I went shopping. I got new shoes! Woohoo! I thought of making Kalea proud the whole time I picked them out. One pair are slip-ons with big red flowers and the other pair are shiny black wedges. Go me. They are so fabulous.

Speaking of fabulous: my favorite TBS fire team-mate ("fire teammate"? That sounds and looks wrong, but you get the idea) David gets super snaps for making me smile today. I texted him about how stressed and worried I am about rifle and pistol re-qual, since we were both in the same...sinking...boat at TBS only now he's basically an expert shot (GO DAVID!!..and God!), and he responded,

Every day when I wake up, before I put on my make up, I say a little prayer for
you...

David is truly fabulous. I only hope I can emulate his excellent ways.

Anyway, since we're on the topic of my marksmanship woes, I figured it'd be good to add that today as I was leaving church, I spotted the religious store and stopped in (because I can't resist Catholic shopping). The shopkeeper didn't even realize she had this, but I found a medal of St Gabriel Possenti!!!! Maybe now my rounds will find paper too!

So needless to say I got the medal of St Gabriel Possenti and one of Our Lady of Perpetual Help (for obvious reasons...and also because I conveniently consecrated my commission to her). I would've gotten a St Jude medal since he's the patron saint of hopeless cases, but I already have a blessed keychain of him which I'll have in my pocket for qual day.

I'm gonna attempt to attach the two medals to my scapular now. I know if I attached medals of all the saints I ask for prayers in my Marine Corps career, my scapular will look like a necklace of puka shells.

Off the top of my head: Jude, Joan of Arc, Sebastian, Isidore, Ignatius of Loyola, Thomas Aquinas, Michael, Therese the Little Flower....I know I'm missing some obvious big ones...I also adore St Augustine but I've never found a medal of him...

Art & Intellect Under Attack (Again)

2011-07-24T08:46:00.003-05:00

This is a good article written by Michelle Malkin about the White House Office of Public Engagement and how "as part of Obama's 'Winning the Future' initiative, the president designated members of the liberal activist group Creative Coalition as official 'America's Champions of Change for the Arts." Oh gah that sounds so gross. The only "change" I want associated with art is getting rid of finger-paint...and MoMA in general. Oh and Tom Hanks can remember the time when he wasn't a total sell-out.

"Obama's Ministers of Culture and Agitprop"

Michelle's article links to one by the Rutgers professor who made a scene about Rep Paul Ryan's dinner and the $700 worth of wine his associate ordered. She complains that his tax cuts to higher-income earners saddles the rest of the country with sacrifice and that he is gutting Medicare by providing seniors with vouchers to pay for private insurance...and that his associate buying the wine is "terribly wrong" when preparing to "inflict so much pain on so many Americans." Except that weaning people off dependency is actually a GOOD thing and not taking more and more money from people to wastefully spend on government initiatives is also a GOOD thing and that giving them back THEIR money to invest and strengthen this pathetic economy is also a GOOD thing...I'm posting this article just because it highlights misguided liberal rationale and argument-basing...but mostly because I think Paul Ryan is really good looking.

Rutgers Prof: Rep. Paul Ryan's wine choice speaks volumes

(oh and as I already stated, Paul Ryan wasn't even the one who ordered the wine)

Girl's Guide to Guns

2011-07-22T14:42:00.004-05:00

While stressing about the rifle and pistol re-qual I VOLUNTEERED FOR, I decided it best to find a patron saint of marksmanship. Thank God (literally) that there is one: St Gabriel Possenti - you can read about his amazing-shooting-of-a-running-lizard-to-defend-virgins-from-rapists story here. He shares birthdays with Mike - March 1.

ANYWAY, one site about St Gabriel linked Girl's Guide to Guns. Not gonna lie, their "about" paragraph made me crack a grin amidst my terrible stress: "Girl's Guide to Guns is a website dedicated to women who dig fashion and fire power." They go on to explain that they are the love child of Guns & Ammo and Vogue. I've been looking for this. I yearn to make this blog as fabulous as their website.

Shut up Mary Beth.

On a more serious note: God, if You happen to follow this blog, pleeeeeeeeeeeease don't make this new stupid volunteer effort on the range go the same way my stupid volunteer effort to do Night Land Nav remedials went. Pleeeease.

To the maybe three people who read this blog, I would appreciate your prayers in this endeavor. I am genuinely worried about this - not just fabulously worried. If I unq apparently I automatically get an adverse FITREP (eval) and I can only imagine that'll really impress the board for career designation (only 65% of Officers now...I am so worried about this). I am afraid of failing as a Marine. I wish I were good at something other than making a schedule....or copies.

Gag Me

2011-07-22T14:40:00.001-05:00

All right, I don't know which one of you JERKS voted "Lady Gaga" as my favorite President/objectively the greatest President the United States has known", but you better fix yourself.

That is all.

To An Athlete Dying Young

2011-07-22T09:20:00.004-05:00

A.E. Housman

THE time you won your town the race
We chaired you through the market-place;
Man and boy stood cheering by,
And home we brought you shoulder-high.

To-day, the road all runners come, 5
Shoulder-high we bring you home,
And set you at your threshold down,
Townsman of a stiller town.

Smart lad, to slip betimes away
From fields where glory does not stay, 10
And early though the laurel grows
It withers quicker than the rose.

Eyes the shady night has shut
Cannot see the record cut,
And silence sounds no worse than cheers 15
After earth has stopped the ears:

Now you will not swell the rout
Of lads that wore their honours out,
Runners whom renown outran
And the name died before the man. 20

So set, before its echoes fade,
The fleet foot on the sill of shade,
And hold to the low lintel up
The still-defended challenge-cup.

And round that early-laurelled head 25
Will flock to gaze the strengthless dead,
And find unwithered on its curls
The garland briefer than a girl's

New Scientific Poll

2011-07-19T21:12:00.004-05:00

Okay my first poll expired...................

What is my favorite musical about the founding of the United States?
The answer: 1776

Thank you to all who voted...I think that would be Mary Beth...and me....and whichever idiot out there who voted for South Pacific.

NEW POLL posted! Who is (objectively) the greatest President known to the United States?

**THIS IS A SCIENTIFIC POLL**

Here is (in my opinion) probably the most moving scene in 1776....gets me every time! Really makes me think about what our Founding Fathers and their families endured and strove for, what they put at risk (and many times, lost):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30mlyAp99MA&feature=related

Through all the gloom, through all the gloom
I see the rays of ravishing light and glory!

Is anybody there?
Does anybody care?
Does anybody see what I see?

Welcome to Camp Lejeune: Find Us on Facebook!

2011-07-19T20:45:00.004-05:00

All right, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week but I've been busy moving to North Carolina so deal with it.

I flew down to Norfolk on Wednesday (hardest time leaving my mom) and I drove to Jacksonville on Thursday...after an extended visit to the JMJ Catholic Bookstore in Virginia Beach. I decided that since I'm getting a deployment bonus I could splurge a little bit so I added to my book stockpile: three books by Chesterton (I can't believe I didn't own any yet), a book of poetry by JP2 (before he was JP2 - and I read the first page and was awed), two books on apologetics (one by Scott Hahn - YAY!!)....I wanted to get Joseph Pearce's books on Shakespeare's Catholicism but I decided not to go INSANE splurging and I already have Shadowplay to read (by Clare Asquith) about the subject.

The drive down to The Land of the Missing Teeth went well and the weather was good. I listened to Christopher West's talk on Woman: God's Masterpiece (WOW). I need to make copies of this talk to send it to all my lady friends and relatives :D Anyway, when I passed the billboard advertising breastmilk, I knew I made it to my new home.

Laura's apartment is great! I really like living here. I don't know why people hate on living in Jacksonville so much...as soon as I get back from deployment, I plan to move into an apartment here....I don't think it's all that reasonable for me to live elsewhere (which would require me to live in a house....WHY at this point in my life?).

I checked in to my new unit on Friday. The weather was pretty nice - in the 70s - so I didn't feel the need to change from Alpha's into cammies. My new XO is an Academy grad so we had a nice time talking about Plebe Summer and some of the changes. It's nice to relate like that - I'm sick of being around Academy grads who aren't proud of their school!!! Anyway, Laura is a grad too and I have a good time talking and joking with her about those good ol' times.

I have a giant check-in list to get processed....running around getting it completed makes me feel like a plebe again with a signature sheet....only this time I'm not REQUIRED to embarrass myself to get it done.

On day one (in my Alphas, none the less) Dental got me! They made me get my teeth checked out in order for them to sign my sheet! Dang. Not happy about the prospect of getting spittle all over my uniform...and the X-ray lady was less than pleased with me (I NEVER am able to get my bite wings done without drama...I'm SORRY my mouth is too small!). The waiting room was an experience. I was blessed with watching How Do I Look? and Jerseylicious. The former was stupid but the latter....OH the latter! Ya know, I never thought I would say this but....I felt offended FOR Jersey Shore. By the time my name was called, I was so mentally engrossed in the lame ripoff of a terrible show that I was basically slouched with my head cocked toward the TV, my eyes giving a blank look. I was probably drooling on my uniform too....

So when I walked in to the dentist's office, I was adamant about taking my jacket off (since X-ray lady wouldn't let me take it off before I put on the apron...which I dropped on the floor...then since the bite wings wouldn't take I drooled all over myself). The dentist was more than accomodating but I realized afterward why he had this look on his face like it was an odd request...since I mentioned not wanting to get spit on my uniform....TMI but whatever. It was odd because....it wasn't even a cleaning....it was basically a chit chat with a quick look at my teeth and X-rays. Oops. Oh well.

He told me that those of us who don't develop wisdom teeth (like yours truly) have been said to be evolutionarily advanced. I knew it! He didn't have any either. I knew there was a connection there. Scheduled my cleaning.

Seven Heroes, Seven Faiths & the Astronauts at NOLS

2011-07-11T13:58:00.003-05:00

Thought this was cool to stumble upon:

"Seven Heroes, Seven Faiths" - an article about the seven different faiths of the seven Columbia astronauts and how each faith confronts death and mourning...not a superbly written article, but I like learning more about each of these people.

And this article about their NOLS trip (National Outdoor Leadership School) - "NOLS Says Good-bye to Seven of its Best" - was cool because so many of my friends at USNA did NOLS for summer training, including Kalea :D

Willie McCool Memorials

2011-07-11T11:05:00.002-05:00

My mom sent me an article in my email and it prompted me to do some more searching on Willie McCool. Here's the article she sent me: "Life of astronaut McCool was unforgettable to those who knew him"

Willie McCool was a USNA grad and ever since I was a plebe, on my way to the Catholic chapel in Bancroft (especially at night for the Rosary with other Mids), I would pass by the graduate databases and as a kind of good luck charm I would always touch all the screens to activate the databases. And when I had time, I would look up Willie's name. Class of 1983

This one got to me a lot - "Dedication of the Willie McCool Memorial Marker at the United States Naval Academy." I can't believe in the past four years this is the first time I've heard about the memorial along the cross country course. Willie ran his personal best here - five miles in 27:24. The Columbia shuttle was 16 minutes away from landing when it broke apart and so the memorial is at the point along the course where Willie would have been 16 minutes away from the finish line. I was really moved when I read this.

I posted under "Print the Legend" on the left column a site with photos, articles, and sound bytes of Willie...I listened to the clip of he and Laurel talking about seeing sunrises. The volume wasn't good so I had to listen very carefully but every now and then I would hear their voices...amazing. Every time I go to Bethesda hospital I take time to look at the large photo memorial of the astronauts and a couple times I went inside the Laurel Clark Auditorium to just think.

How do moats, alligators, headscarves, and populism have to do with the same blog post?

2011-07-11T10:07:00.002-05:00

Here are some more articles I read from VDH's website that I recommend:

Even to talk of illegal immigration earns slurs. But here is the reality of the discussion. "The Philosophies of Illegal Immigration" - Victor Davis Hanson, 7/3/11

The hypocrisy and failure of Democratic reforms and policy has given a black eye to populism. "The Evidence of a Bankrupt Populism" - Victor Davis Hanson, 7/2/11

Islamic attire for women is back in the news. "Why Muslim Demands for Headscarves are Exaggerated" - Raymond Ibrahim, 7/6/11

The last article considers how the ban on headscarves in places like France has actually resulted in a dramatic increase in tourism from the Arab Middle East.

Nook

2011-07-11T09:45:00.003-05:00

After a lot of hemming and hawing, I decided to do it. I decided it would be a good idea to get an eReader to use when I'm on deployment, because otherwise I'd be taking a "small" library with me, which - with all the equipment I need for my hair and nails - just isn't practical.

I first checked out the Kindle from Amazon, because that's what I heard most about, but when I went to Best Buy, I really didn't like it too much. But I really liked the new Nook from Barnes & Noble...B&N started a deal with libraries that you can borrow eBooks for free for a month or so, plus when I don't know a word I can click on it and the Nook will define it for me...words like "excrementitiously" and "infamous" (IN famous??)

I considered giving my Nook a cute name...like "Nookie" but decided against it...can't remember why....

I thought it would be a good idea to download the Bible first...but I was shocked that it's not free! THE WORD OF GOD IS COPYRIGHT????

I'm trying to figure out what else I should download - most classics are free, but what do I want to pay for? I'm not willing to spend more than $3 on a book since otherwise I'd just be patient and buy the book. I'm looking for books that are engaging and easy to read, since when I'm tired or busy I don't really get into intellectual reads, like The Divine Comedy or Everybody Poops.

I'm thinking of downloading Morte d'Arthur since I'm really into the legends of King Arthur right now and they are a series of short-ish stories...but what else? I'm also enjoying reading Laura Ingraham's The Obama Diaries since it's funny, engaging, and easy to read (and informative).

Any suggestions?

Victor Davis Hanson: Confidence in the average free citizen made America absolutely exceptional.

2011-07-07T09:15:00.003-05:00

Victor Davis Hanson wrote a really good (and short) article about American exceptionalism. This article really made me proud of our country, but not in the Michelle Obama "this is the first time I've ever been proud of my country" way.

I love this idea of trust in the free citizen and "Don't Tread on Me!" and equality of opportunity.

Here is a good summary of the article (but read it anyway!):

There is no rational reason why a small republican experiment in 1776 grew to dominate global culture and society — except that America is the only nation, past or present, that put trust in the individual rather than in the state and its elite bureaucracy.

Rapiscan

2011-07-06T10:55:00.002-05:00

Which idiot named the new invasive TSA scan "Rapiscan"? I don't think I need to add any further comments. Laura Ingraham got me beat on her witticisms on today's show.

And yes, I've been through a Rapiscan. Last Friday on my flight to Baltimore.

I Stand With Indiana

2011-07-06T10:35:00.002-05:00

The Obama administration is bullying Indiana to force taxpayers to fund the biggest abortion chain in America. Sign the Live Action petition to stand with Indiana in their decision to defund Planned Parenthood...

St Maria Goretti, pray for us!

2011-07-06T09:29:00.002-05:00

Today is the feast of St Maria Goretti, one of my favorite saints. Just so happens I also have an awesome friend named Maria whose birthday is today too.

I got this from the Patron Saints Index that I linked on the left column of my blog:

In 1902 at age twelve, Maria was attacked by 19-year-old farm-hand Alessandro Serenelli. He tried to rape the girl who fought, yelled that it was a sin, and that he would go to hell. He tried to choke her into submission, then stabbed her fourteen times. She survived in hospital for two days, forgave her attacker, asked God‘s forgiveness of him, and died holding a crucifix and medal of Our Lady. Counted as a martyr.

While in prison for his crime, Allessandro had a vision of Maria. He saw a garden where a young girl, dressed in white, gathered lilies. She smiled, came near him, and encouraged him to accept an armful of the lilies. As he took them, each lily transformed into a still white flame. Maria then disappeared. This vision of Maria led to Alessandro’s conversion, and he later testified at her cause for beatification.

Today seems like a good day to provide the link to The Goretti Group. If you click on the "Speakers" tab, you'll see Angela Santero. She's a USNA grad and spoke to the Catholic Midshipmen Club several times. Always good to hear - she's great.

"Laredo" - Band of Horses

2011-07-05T19:24:00.002-05:00

Ya know how you hear a song that you really like and has a pretty neat melody but the first couple times you can't remember how it goes, only that you liked it a lot? I heard this song for probably the third time ever last week and had it stuck in my head often. Especially today, I was singing it to "myself"

Band of Horses - Laredo (Official Music Video)Band of Horses

The O! Antiphons, version 2.0

2011-07-05T18:56:00.002-05:00

Yes folks that's a new and improved blog you're looking at...it's so pretty, maybe I'll want to update it more than once a year :D

Since you last heard from me, I graduated MOS school and now I'm on leave before I move to Camp Lejeune and prepare for deployment.

I put a poll on the upper right sidebar...hopefully to update every week. Enjoy.

I have a place now

2011-01-22T17:38:00.002-05:00

I signed on my first place today and I met my new roommate, another lieutenant going through school with me. We have mutual friends and she seems really nice. Her name is Talya and she was enlisted for 8 years before this, is fluent in Chinese, and studied environmental engineering at Harvard.

I did a lot of research on places and I visited a bunch of them. A bunch of them. Basically all I did for the past four days. Maybe five days.

I had no idea what I was doing. I felt like a dweeb most of the time. "What is the most important thing to you in an apartment?" Deer-in-the-headlights look. "I don't know!!!!!!" Later, I decided that, besides a safe area, I would prefer a shower bar that doubles as a pull-up bar.

I was pretty bummed most of the time looking around. Nothing felt like "home." Every apartment was dull and boring. I mean, of course they were. They were vacant! And all white walls and boring khaki carpet. Bleh.

I really want to go to daily Mass, so naturally I want a place that's close enough to Dam Neck and to the churches. I would have to go to probably 3 churches a week to go to Mass every day so that throws another order into the equation. Didn't want to be out of the way of everything too. And Virginia Beach doesn't necessarily have the greatest crime rate ever so obviously security is a concern.

Let's see...how many places did I tour...12! That doesn't count the tons of places I drove through. I only started to feel sure that I'd find a decent home on Day 4 of the search. Talya called me on Day 2 and said she looked at a few places and went to apartmentratings.com. Didn't even know about the site. It helped a ton. So I continued my research and made a giant spreadsheet with the following columns:

Bed/Bath
Square Footage
Rent
Application Fee
Admin Fee
Security Deposit
Washer/Dryer accomodations
Pet fees (was thinking about getting one...now isn't a good time though)
Which floor available (don't want 1st floor)
Specials
Distance to Dam Neck
Distance to St Gregory the Great (the church I'd go to for Mass in the morning before class)
Approval Ratings/# Reviews/Date of last review
Total $ I'd pay for my duration living there

It was also important to me that there was a good workout facility in the complex. That way I have more options for early morning or weekend workouts or if I'm sick of being on base.

The place we ended up going with was one of the first places where I walked into a vacant room and honestly thought to myself, "I can live here." It had by far the most impressive gym (I also took the "26" pieces of equipment in the ad as a sign). The grounds were pretty and quiet and the rooms used space well AND had a HUGE kitchen (compared to basically all other apartments). We are going to live in a 2 bedroom/1 bathroom apartment, which works cos the bathroom has two sinks :) I haven't seen a single other apartment with a double sink. At first I didn't like that we don't have a washer/dryer in the room. BUT, each building has 8 apartments and 1 washer/dryer downstairs. I checked it out on my tour and both were immaculate. I've never seen such clean equipment :) So that means I don't have to pay for the extra water and energy doing laundry in my room! Very happy about this but now I have to revert to Midshipman life where I was always scrambling for quarters. I'll figure it out.

I'm kinda bummed that pets aren't allowed in the community, but I checked the "companionship" need in the box by having a roommate. I also don't know a darn thing about taking care of a pet. But, I would have been nice to see people play with their dogs outside :(

This place is also close to Dam Neck AND all three churches. Actually, the best location for all four compared to all the other apartments. Lots of the apartments on apartmentratings.com got bad reviews. This place got 90% approval. I also checked police reports and there's significantly less crime here than in other places. :)

AND - this is great - on my spreadsheet, of ALL the options (living by myself/with a roommate/different room plans in different apartments) - this one was the cheapest! Cheaper than the places with smaller rooms and with crappy ratings. AND, not only was the 2 bedroom apartment already cheaper than in other complexes, we got 1 month free rent and had our application fee waived. I also get a $100 VISA Debit card from Rent.com. :D So, with cheap-ish rent and saving a ton on utilities, I'm probably going to be able to bank 50% of my BAH. At least!! Already it's like 2/3!!!

Talya saw the place for the first time today and even told me when she drove it she felt like this was it.

Rosebud.

When the X Chromosome Goes Bad

2011-01-19T11:58:00.003-05:00

All right this is pissing me off.

One of my guilty pleasures is watching those wedding shows on TLC. I guess it's how I get my girl on when I spend most of my days either in cammies or, like now, jeans, a USMC pullover, and blue airwalks.

One of my pet peeves is how women all think the wedding is about the dress. That's the stupidest thing ever...ugh....aaaaaah.

So this one chick is there shopping for wedding dresses with her mom, who says she'll pay and that her limit is $3000. THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS?! And yet this bigmouthed bimbo keeps telling her consultant that she expects the gown to go up to $7000 and that her mom will pay anyway. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And then they argue about "budget" and "dream gowns" and the selfishness of this idiot really pissed me off.

And this other chick was STRESSING because her gown was tailored too short. OmG. It'll get fixed. If this was the biggest stress in my life I'd be on Cloud 9 every day. Every day.

And seriously I do NOT get this one. She has three wedding gowns. THREE WEDDING GOWNS. One of them was $11,000. * Gasp * Heart attack. Where do these people get this money? Something tells me this princess isn't a CEO.

The stupidity and selfishness pisses me off but...it makes me sad too. Why don't you people save the money for the MARRIAGE. Isn't that what the wedding is supposed to be about? Call me CRAZY.

Now I'm watching What Not to Wear. This chick is using her underwear as a belt. Geesh all I have to do is dress like a homeless person, take outrageous photos, and ask my friends to submit it to the show and I'll get a $5000 shopping spree in NYC. Or they can just use those pictures online where I'm wearing (yeah I totally just typed "whereing") black and white checkered tights with a bright orange shirt, denim capris and the blue airwalks.

Anyway this chick is classy. I like her. Not in that way, I'm totally into men.

Eleven!!!!

2010-12-31T21:42:00.003-05:00

The post title is a shout-out to all my pals in the Class of 2011 and their lame chant. :)

Let's start with the year recap:

1. I started off being scared to death to take command of 26th Company. It ended up being the best leadership experience I've had, and I was blessed with a sarcastic but helpful SEL in Chief, a reliable and competent foil in my XO Sean, and four totally different but great Platoon Commanders - Pat, Sam, Scott, and Jason. Not to mention a multi-talented First Sergeant Kyle. They were my anchor!

2. Who would have thought 26 would end up being Color Company? I had an amazing company. I'm proud of my plebes, actually all my underclass. They made my job so worthwhile. The fact that some of them would just open up to me really touched me. I learned a lot from them - about trusting people, understanding perspectives. And seeing my mom in her Color Girl gown was amazing. She got pampered - never does that for herself - and I was so happy to see that. She was so shocked!

3. Jason got to come to my commissioning and he and my grandfather pinned on my 2ndLt bars! I'm not a Midshipman anymore.

4. The Basic School happened. "TBS is tough, but I'm tougher." I tried telling myself that to get me through but I felt owned most of the time. But I got through.

5. I killed a few white whales. I did so much better on the E-course than I ever believed! 79 minutes! I never fell out of a hike. I struggled like crazy but I never fell out. And you know what? I survived a 12 miler that started after a week in the field at 0100, with an ILBE that weighed as much as I did, with both feet COVERED in blisters. I can navigate now. I was terrified of the Double O-course during Practicum class at school but then I wasn't all that nervous for it at TBS.

6. I survived a THIRD semester of Mungan - this time, instead of problem solving, it was thermal physics! And even though I struggled a TON during the semester and only was able to turn in homework with help from my classmates, I studied like crazy for the final and while some of the other guys FAILED it, I got a B!!!!!

7. I was on my company's Monster Mash and Worden Whirl teams! I had fun (Monster Mash was hard) but we did well!!!!! Love my company team wife-beater!

8. Awesome classes! Besides thermal physics, I took a class about Tolkien & Lewis, 20th Century Irish poetry...ooooh and "Space Science." The stupidest class ever. But I got to sit next to Kalea! And I wrote my Magic School Bus script which my teacher said wasn't creative enough. BUT I discovered new Irish poets whom I now love - Austin Clarke, Eavan Boland, Paul Muldoon, more Yeats, among others...including Seamus Heaney! I never thought I'd like modern poetry, but Heaney opened my eyes. I put so much work into my Capstone paper on him and I was so proud of it. One of my last hurrahs as a student.

9. I got selected to be a SIGINT Officer! My first choice!

10. I can't believe it but I maxed the CFT twice, and I ran a 287 PFT when I was exhausted, not in shape, and kinda injured. I even volunteered to carry the SAW on several occasions and by the time MOUT came along, we became friends. :)

11. Coley and I are friends again. Not best friends but I'm less vile now. Friends from a distance is better than none at all.

12. I went to Italy (Rome, Naples, Pompeii), the Vatican, and France (Paris and Belleau Wood) this year! Also to New Orleans for Mardi Gras again.

13. I graduated TBS and I drank out of the bulldog fountain at Belleau Wood. I'm a Marine now.

14. Aubrey was a great roommate. So grateful for her. And Shannon, of course.

I read a bunch of books this year...let's see if I can remember them all:

The Magician's Nephew, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, partial re-read of Screwtape Letters (ran out of time), Until We Have Faces, Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra - all by C. S. Lewis

The Hobbit (again), The Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers, and part of The Return of the King (ran out of time!), part of The Silmarillion, Letters from Father Christmas - all by J.R.R. Tolkien

Snow Falling on Cedars - David Gutterson

Ender's Game - O.S. Card

The Village - Bing West

Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident - Eoin Colfer

prolly others...

Music...now really into XM47 Alt Nation and the Silversun Pickups, among others. I think The Great Lake Swimmers are great to listen to as you fall asleep.

Movies still mean a lot to me. Now a huge Coen Brothers fan!

I looked back on my previous New Year's blog posts and I find my flaws and goals are similar? So have I improved at all in 2010? Have I changed? Have I gotten worse?

Not sure the answer to these questions but 2011 is finally here which means I survived a bunch of things I was scared of and now I have new things to be afraid of and to survive...

CSW Test, STEX, Breathing, PT

2010-10-06T20:39:00.002-05:00

Crew served weapons test today. Yesterday during prac app I was golden on everything but disassembling and reassembling the SAW in 7 minutes. I always get caught up on some bolt that won't budge or something.

Frustrated. I told myself to not be nervous and that today would be an opportunity to learn if I make mistakes. I took detailed notes on how to establish headspace and timing on the M2 .50 cal and did it a couple times yesterday without any problem and in little time. Today I didn't push the charging handle back when I stuck in the Go/No-Go gauge and even though everything else was right, I failed that whole portion. I was disappointed because I honestly don't remember being taught to do that. Maybe I did, but I didn't write it down after I went over the process step by step with one of the enlisted instructors.

I was embarrassed to be the only one in my group to fail but at least I learned something. Won't make that mistake again.

I was nervous for the loading/unloading portion for the M2 and the Mk 19. I went over and over it but I knew I'd bung something up. I don't understand what happens mechanically when you rack back so it's tough for me to get it straight in my head. Luckily I got an instructor I remember getting help from during prac app and he was really nice. When I was unsure of something he nudged me toward to right answer - I think because I was trying hard to show what I know about closed vs open-bolt weapon systems and the 4 conditions, then afterward he went over what happens mechanically. I don't understand all of it but I know more now so I'm so grateful for that.

My instructor for loading/unloading the SAW, M203, and the M240 was nice too. I felt like such an idiot because I made silly mistakes on the SAW, like forgetting to rack back to do a 5 pt safety check and then I forgot to say "check for a hot/cold barrel" for remedial action. Such silly mistakes. I mean, I know it better now, but I shouldn't have made those mistakes. He only failed me on one section and he was nice to me about failing the headspace part and said he sometimes has a hard time with it too. I appreciate when people are non-douchey to me.

Man I now had two failures. I barely saw red on other people's grade sheets. Felt so stupid. Why can all these other people get it and not me?

M203 diss and ass was fine.

I worried about the SAW diss and ass. And I did really well with it! I finished with a minute to spare - so proud of myself! Then I did a functions check. Fire/No Fire good to go. Then I checked that the bipods didn't swing and they swung and my weapon just fell over. I was so pissed. I CHECKED THE GAS TUBE WHEN I PUT IT IN. Gah. At this point I didn't have time to fix it and I didn't realize that if I pulled the bolt to the rear, I could easily take off the barrel and seat the gas tube. I felt so frustrated. I think I was the only one to fail yet again and it was embarrassing cos I was in the front and if you're not done you stay standing. Everyone was sitting and watching me struggle.

3 fails. Damn.

I rocked the M240. I got decent at it when a corporal challenged me to a race yesterday when I was struggling with it and I nearly beat him twice in disassembly. Putting it back together I run into snags but I can do it.

Then I got back to my room and remembered how much I hate everybody.

I wrote my first venting email in a while to Jason and then continued to work on my Movement to Contact STEX order. I got near the end, made my lunch, and then went to ask (again) for amplifying word on where the STEX would take place. Finding out that word was passed over me yet again (lovely - I'm the platoon sergeant), I went to make sure the squad leaders knew and had another horrible coughing fit. I could barely talk, I was choking and my eyes watered. I got back to my room and tried to finish eating but the coughing got so bad again that I started choking and vomited on my desk then ran to the bathroom and dry heaved a while. I took my inhaler again and then went to class. I was feeling awful and my eyes started watering up again at the beginning, partially from frustration.

STEX was decent, maybe even pretty good. Our instructor was pretty funny and he didn't make me feel stupid when he answered my questions. Apparently, "making people feel stupid for asking questions" is a Marine Corps core competency.

After getting secured, I ran sprints on Cardiac Hill with Shannon, Reina, Kirk, and Farrukh. I was sick for so many reasons. My body was getting ravaged from this month's reminder that I'm a good Catholic girl, and my breathing was crappy. They were barely sprints at all. I felt like I was barely moving. My chest felt filled and I felt like something was blocking my breathing. Kinda wheezy and I had to stop and try to take deep breaths after each one. Everyone else was doing better than me. I started tearing up again because I'm not getting fast enough. How can I ever pass the E-Course like this? I've even already run it twice this week and I don't think I'm improving enough. I'm so stressed by this and it's breaking my heart.

Afterward, Shannon and I went to the O-Course. I wanted to just go through the obstacles for muscle memory for Friday's double O final and I wanted to try to get on one log instead of two for walking down the combination bars. I have a mental block on the O-Course a lot because I'm afraid of heights but I couldn't get it again. I used to be able to do this and now I can't.

Pizza Party

2010-09-28T17:50:00.002-05:00

Today we had command photos taken. We all basically wore our Blue Dress jacket over our cammies. Felt like the Army.

First time I've worn the uniform with my unqing, I mean, shooting badges. :D

I was pretty excited even though I knew a bunch of other Marines were judging me for only being a rifle and pistol marksman. Those badges don't look nearly as cool as the sharpshooter and expert badges do, but they don't look bad. I mean, I was excited to see them on my uniform. The marksman badges are called "pizza boxes" because they are squares with concentric circles.

Shannon (my awesome roommate) seemed embarrassed about wearing her marksman badges. She said she overheard her squad mates saying, "I'd be so embarrassed if I was only a double marksman, I wouldn't even wear the badges."

"Who said that?"

So and So and So and So.

"They're douchebags. Don't listen to them. What kind of Marine talks about the uniform like that?"

Those kind of people really piss me off. Shannon and I had a discussion as we rigged our uniforms. I said, so they have sharpshooter and expert badges to show off what they're good at, but are they good at selflessly leading and taking care of their people? If they're saying stuff like that, probably not. They'll probably judge their own Marines as inferior. I hate ego's like that. Shannon, you don't wear a badge that shows off how awesome a leader you are - you just act that way.

Leadership isn't about showing off yourself. There is so much ego here.

And besides, being a marksman ain't that bad. I mean, we both put literal blood, sweat, and tears into earning these badges. Dang, I even unq'd on rifle after shooting a 49/50 on rapid fire. You have to be pretty good just to make marksman. So I'm proud of them. I didn't walk around ashamed at all with them there. Do I wish I scored higher? Of course. Can I? Of course, with more training I can definitely do it. Does it matter? Not that much.

Shannon, the people who say stuff like that don't matter.

Leslie, the people who say stuff like that don't matter.

My Marines are the only ones who matter.

Final Night Land Nav

2010-09-28T17:19:00.003-05:00

I have been one acquainted with the night.
I have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
I have outwalked the furthest city light.

And I passed final night land nav! It's over! It's finally over!

I was so nervous. Every hour read 100% chance of rain, the clouds were covering the moon (it was full just the other night too!), and I did not think I could handle 4 hours of this garbage. As we recall from my last post on night land nav, I had a bit of a bad time out in the dark. I had been dreading the final ever since and scared that I would fail and have to keep repeating this awful-ness. Awful-ness.

I expected 800m legs each. NO. 3 legs were on average 1000m and one was 665m. I started freaking out when I got my card. I expected it to be pitch black and that mobility would be low. I never thought I'd make it through the terrain in four hours, especially since I was so slow last time with bad illum, too.

I waited by my first box for about 20 minutes, freaking out. Trying to tell myself it'll be okay and that I could handle 4 hours. I started praying for calm and you know what, when we started, I started making it through pretty fast! I felt okay.

I got to my first creek crossing - about knee deep. It was funny to me. I even said out loud, "I can't believe I just did that."

I kinda panicked at first since I still felt pressed for time and wasn't sure when I couldn't find boxes right away that I had crossed the creek prematurely! But I found one eventually. #9. That was my next box. I didn't like that but night land nav is such a crap shoot for me that I didn't care enough and kept going.

I next ended up right on Application and turned right and found box A. Note: Yeah, I drift right. At this point, it was so humid I couldn't wear eye pro so I prayed that I wouldn't poke out my eye or perform LASIK on myself. That was a pretty risky gamble since thorns just seem to pop up out of nowhere right in your face.

Anyway, I initially freaked out that I was lost again since my next box was M. Would they really have me go to a box that far away from the one I found? Oh well. Keep going.

Made it back to the creek. Box #9 again! UGH. Oh well. Crapshoot. Keep going.

This time while crossing the creek, I just laughed. It was so...TBSish. The dude behind me was clearly in a rush and he pushed me up the hill. Haha.

Last leg! An hour and a half left! I can do this! This might be my last time! But then again...if God wants me to do this again, then I'll be doing it again. I don't understand how I drift THAT badly for night land nav so I could never guage how I was doing.

I made it to MCB #3. Box #10. I looked at it and wondered if it was, in fact, my very last box I will ever have to find as a TBS lieutenant. Oh well. We'll find out.

So happy I had 40 minutes left! I didn't have to run all the way back to Classroom 4. The walk back was nerve-wracking. I kept praying. God, I just won't expect to pass. It'll be a wonderful surprise if I do. Just whatever happens, make me the best Marine I can be, God. Let me offer up my score and my response to it to all the people I struggle to get along with...

I thought to myself, I could do this again. It wasn't that bad. It was almost fun. I won't be the end of the world if I have to do this again.

I entered the classroom, took out my card, wrote down my answers, prayed some more (Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference) and turned it in.

I faced back and prayed some more. I was being measured.

Finally the Capt butchered my name and I responded, "Yes, sir." "75."

75? 75? Are you kidding me? I...PASSED??? I even only wanted a 70! And I got a 75!

Gosh what a crappy score and night land nav is still a crapshoot to me but it's over! I mean, it now officially is ancient history.

No more boxes for me.

I saw a friend walk by on his way to the classroom on my way back to the barracks and he said, "Good?" "Yeah. GOOD ENOUGH!"

God was looking out for me.

Night land nav down. Now onto the E-course. Probably next Friday. God, get me through this too, please.

FEX II Recap

2010-09-26T19:59:00.002-05:00

Craig and I stayed up super late Sunday night to finish writing our orders. I found the chapel in O'Bannon and it was peaceful so we wrote them there. I think I would like to go there more to escape.

We both got 2 hrs of sleep, got up at 0400ish, started Day 1 of FEX II. That's field exercise and we're doing platoon offensive and defensive ops and learning how to sustain misery for a week.

I was surprised and proud of myself for managing to put my pack on all by myself. While we were lining out someone said he weighed it and it was 105lbs.

We got helo'd out again. This time I was on a CH-46. I enjoyed it as usual but it was only 5ish mins long.

My squad was Support by Fire for the attacks. Really anti-climactic and we ended up buddy rushing anyway during the second attack.

That night when I was hiking with my ILBE to our bivouac site, I thought I was going to break my knees. I remember getting over fallen logs and feeling my knees go in places they were not designed to go. So grateful I didn't break.

I froze during SAW watch that night. And I was so nauseous. I had been sick since I woke up on Sunday. I almost puked on Craig during watch while he was sleeping. Unfortunately, I didn't.

Tuesday morning was cold. I thought about FEX III coming up in October and how miserable the nights would be. We had to help each other get our packs on to hike to our defense. I had been getting it on by myself but when all the other guys needed help getting it on, I got help too.

Craig and I were in a fighting hole together. Or rather, we were supposed to be in a fighting hole together - we were the left flank and got I think the most roots out of the entire defense. It took forever to cut through them but I was comforted by imagining that I was in fact digging Craig's grave. I was nauseous again, this time worse.

We destroyed 6th Plt when they tried to attack us. Literally walked into Craig and me. Felt good.

I had to go return water jugs to the CP that night and when I returned Craig had laid out an isomat over my fighting hole. I didn't realize how deep it had gotten and I fell in. He laughed at me.

Three of us traded SAW watch. After my first watch, I went to wake up my relief, who was sleeping maybe 5m away from me. But I was wearing NVGs and I could barely see anything and I missed him and got severely lost in our defense. I started panicking. It took me about 20 minutes to find my fighting hole and then my relief. When I was done, I went back to my hole and said, "I'm going to pretend the last 20 minutes of my life never happened."

Six of us had patrol from 0300-0500. I was made RTO (radio operator). The stupid big one too (PRC 119) with the stupid big long antenna. I was completely miserable. I could barely keep up with the point man and the patrol leader and the handset didn't clip in so I struggled with sticking it in between my shoulder strap and trying to hear what was being passed, which was typically broken and unreadable. I felt awful and the stupid antenna got caught in everything. The terrain was straight from Hell. There were plenty of times I thought I was going to fall and die and go straight to Mike Co, including a steep drop-off, and other times I was caught in branches and thorns and could barely move. By the time we made it to our LPOP I was dying and my patrol leader made me give the radio to Craig.

On our way back one of us found a lone Marine lying down and went up to him and said, "Who is this dumbass sleeping by himself in the woods?", bent down, and saw Captain's bars. Lol. My SPC.

When we made it back, it was reveille. I was basically sucking on snot at this point and trying to endure a major headache. Craig and my squad leader tried to make me go to medical but I didn't want to go. There's really nothing they could do. I so badly was freaking out about the hike we were about to do, though. 2.5ish miles from the LZ to R-15 with those ginormous ILBEs. I passed out for 20mins while we waited for word and then after line-out I got my pack on to go on the hike. I'm glad my SPC talked to me before about being sick. I'm glad he knew and he said I could go to medical if I wanted but I said I'd do the hike. I'm glad - I felt like he cared and at least he knows I'm trying even if I do suck at life. My platoon started to step, but since we're third squad, we're always in the back and we weren't even up with the platoon when they took off. We had to catch up with them which was already miserable when my squad mate comes up to me and says, "Hey Cap, since you're feeling better, how about you take this extra weapon." Someone was at a physical and we were responsible for his M203. I said, "You're kidding" and he put the strap around my head and took off. I wanted to kill myself but I was too busy thinking up all forms of all swear words I know in my head in response to the situation. You're pretty much one of the strongest guys in the squad and you couldn't hold onto it? I mean, dude, you had the energy to sprint up to the front of the formation since you were the road guard...I mean...COME ON.

I was already struggling on this hike, just trying to keep up with the back, when a bunch of guys were like, "Cap you got to get to the front." No I damn well don't have to. "Cap go to the front!" I'm barely managing my spot in the back, how the hell do you expect me to make it all the way up to the front, Einstein? "It'll be better in the front!" NO. IT. WON'T. I KNOW YOU PEOPLE ALL THINK THE FRONT IS THE BEST PLACE TO BE BUT IT ISN'T WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY AT THE BACK SINCE LET'S FACE IT THE SPC SETS THE PACE, NOT THE PEOPLE IN THE FRONT. No, one of the guys took my weapons and made me hold onto his arm as he dragged me up to the front. It was completely humiliating and I thought I was going to die. Way to be skylined in front of your platoon. Anyway, I got my rifle back and stayed in the front for most of the rest of the hike but maybe 3/4 mi away we hit a hill and I just couldn't keep it up. A bunch of guys passed me and it felt awful. I could barely breathe and I spazzed and wheezed for a second in an attempt to cough and it was really embarrassing. One of the giant guys behind me got on my case about falling back and said, "C'mon Cap. Keep up. I don't want to have to start running." I was really pissed. Thanks a lot for the encouragement, especially from a former grunt who could probably have easily helped me out. Then a bunch of guys started to help me by lifting my pack and helping push me along. It killed my back, I felt like I was being distorted. Then a bunch of the guys started peeling gear off me. I couldn't tell what was happening until I saw someone run off with my isomat. The isomat. Really? Anyway, it was utterly humiliating but I was grateful cos I'm sure the hike sucked for everyone. I was completely hating myself for sucking when I said, "I'm sorry" to one of the guys and he said, "What? Are you kidding me? We're family!" And I wanted to cry. I think I did. I know this guy struggles with the hikes probably more than most of the other guys and he was helping me. I was really grateful. But I was so embarrassed to be me.

We eventually made it to the end and I stayed with my platoon with my friend right by my side. When we finally dropped packs I wanted to hide behind it and cry. It was certainly big enough. A bunch of people dropped gear off by me and I felt a ton of shame. Shannon said, "How about we go to the head" and we went behind a shed away from everyone and I cried.

R-15 was awful. Hot hot day. Since it was live fire we were in flak with sapi's, FLCs, kevlar...I was feeling sicker and sicker and my body was not cooperating. I could barely keep up with everyone when we were just walking on-line. I could barely breathe during our first dry run (without ammunition). I was in the maneuver element this time and every time I got up to rush it took every ounce of energy I had and I barely survived. I was hyperventilating severely and I felt my body give up when we had to run up the hill off the range. The Plt Guide ran by me and I managed to say, "Kim, I can't breathe" and he took me to the corpsmen. My chest was tight, I was coughing non-stop, all phlegmy, and I couldn't calm my breathing. I managed to tell them about my breathing problems from the past year and they gave me albuterol from an inhaler. I then went back and did the next dry run and felt like death and the corpsman walked me off the range. I felt so embarrassed and guilty that I couldn't finish the training.

An hour after the last dry run my heart rate was still around 100. The corpsman said it was because my heart was trying to make up for my breathing. My pulse was still racing a few hours later too. Partially due to the albuterol, though. It took forever but I was eventually sent to Ray Hall. I took a few peak flow tests - I think this measures breathing volume. I'm supposed to average around 575 but I was blowing 200s and 300s. I got a nebulizer treatment. The doctor said she thinks we can rule out asthma and that instead of having an obstructive problem, I might have a restrictive problem. I got referrals to a pulmonologist (again) and to an ENT. There might be something wrong with my vocal chords.

I got a SIQ chit but I asked to go back to the field. She let me so I went back and was in the support by fire element for our night attack. I then talked to my SPC about my condition and he said he'll help me find time in the training schedule to get my appointments in. He said he found out I asked to come back even though I'm SIQ and he appreciated my "effort and intensity." I was really grateful and felt like slightly less of a turd.

I had to go back to Ray Hall the next morning for a follow-up. I was nervous about the 7 mi hike we still had that night. The doctor specifically asked me if I wanted her to make me light duty so I didn't have to hike and I said no that I would hike. I walked away from medical feeling like a total moron. And dreading this hike.

It turned out to not be that bad. We only had to hike with FLCs, assault packs, and weapons this time and the pace was good for me. People were holding conversations, but every time I wanted to laugh I felt really restricted from doing so. I still can't really hold a long conversation or laugh at all.

special to...

2010-09-19T17:02:00.003-05:00

I no longer put the "Special" in "Quantico Land Nav Special" - I passed on my remedial. I got an 80, only looked for 8 boxes. I refused to do any running at all. I've barely been eating and we're going to be in the field all next week.

I felt happy during land nav. It was a good morning and I found boxes pretty quickly and I knew I was learning a lot. At one point I felt happy because I didn't feel like I was so alone anymore. I had "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" stuck in my head the whole time and the terrain reminded me of Jurassic Park. I usually sing "Baby Mine" to myself when I land nav (I did a little bit).

I realized after finding my 8th box I only had a little bit of time to run to a hardball road before drop-dead time. Not my plan but I wasn't paying attention to my watch. My body hurt so much as I ran as fast as I could nearly 2 km (must've been less) in 9 minutes. It was such relief to see cars earlier than I expected to and I got around the fence quickly. Thank God.

I turned in my card, got back to my room, and then felt so alone.

Guidance

2010-09-16T16:46:00.002-05:00

I had final land nav today. I dreamed last night that I'd fail it. I failed it.

My test nerves were increasing linearly as the week progressed. I started out feeling good - just another evolution - then I got anxious to almost worried by last night. I knew I'd do fine though - the only challenge would be a rogue box and the time limit, but I've done well on other land nav evolutions (minus Land Nav II when I was sick, it was unbelievably hot, and I had a non-functioning compass).

Got up early to have breakfast with Shannon and Erin, then filled my magazine pouches with food - beef jerky, protein bars, protein shake (for morale)...

I got to the classroom and then I pooped. For good luck.

I plotted my plots. Almost a perfect circle - nice card! Not too far away either. This would be good. Then I picked out my attack points. Oh gross. I had 4 points that would be easy (in theory) - along a stream, 100m away from an intersection etc. The rest not too great. I was the last lieutenant to leave the classroom. The Capt didn't even know I was there cos I was hidden behind chairs on the tables and he shut the light on me. So I left to get on a bus.

I had a good attack point for my first box but after an hour I couldn't find it and gave up. Found #2 and #3 during the next hour. I low-crawled through thorns, pretty sure I got stabbed in my eye, and discovered a fence between me and my box. Used a stream intersection for #4 but I think it was the wrong one so I got severely lost and spent an hour and half trying to find a hardball road which was supposed to be only 800m away. I knew I'd fail. I basically lost it. By 1330 (after being out there since 0900) I only found two boxes and I needed at least 7 to pass and get a 70. I had two and a half hours left. Impossible.

I prayed and prayed and prayed but I envisioned myself getting rolled back for sucking at life and kept crying. I was humiliated to be myself - nothing new here - and I thought of all the Mids back at school and all my old classmates who never thought I'd make it anyway. I have no military skill whatsoever I don't know what I'm doing in this profession. I should have become a musician instead of letting what skill I could have had in music fall to the wayside so I could pursue a career in the military. I still want to be a Disney animator. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? I can't shoot, I can't run, I can't hike, I'm certainly no Desert Fox, and I can't land nav. I can barely even walk through the woods without ending up looking like an Emo kid. And I cry. "Officers don't cry." I cry all the time.

I had so many negative thoughts today. I thought about my ex-boyfriend and how he never struggles with anything and how we had another fight the last time I saw him and how just as usual everything works out just great for him and he can't understand what it's like for me to struggle and why I have such a low self esteem and zero confidence. I'm so bitter that he didn't even want to be a Marine until a month before service selection and never did any of the training for it but he got it and did just great at TBS and is living such a happy, spectacular life and here I am in my 5 feet and 5 inches of pure worthlessness have wanted to be a Marine since middle school (to prove to myself I can do something I clearly am not cut out for) and I've pushed myself through every misery I had available to me for years to get better at this stuff and I just suck. I suck. I'm sick of getting texts from him asking me how I'm doing when I just don't feel like telling him that I fail everything and I suck at life and I'm a total catastrophe. He wins all the time. He has an amazing talent for making me feel completely worthless and he doesn't even understand that. "Leslie, stop worrying. I don't worry about anything because everything works out for me." If we weren't in public when he said that to me, I might have finally punched him in the face. I would rather he really meant that to be cruel but he's so innocent in his obliviousness to how he affects me that I end up feeling like the bad one everytime I get enraged at him. I know he means well. I'd feel better if he didn't.

I finally lost all hope in myself during land nav and I finally prayed, "God, it's all You. It isn't me anymore. I can't do this. Work through me." It was really spontaneous. I was a tearful disaster because I kept getting worked up about having to repeat TBS. I've failed at qualing on rifle and pistol the first time, I failed the E-course dreadfully, and now I've failed final land nav. I can't do this place again. I cannot go through this again. It is NOT in me. I dream about December 16 every day and it feels so far away. I don't understand myself though. Everything we've done is do-able. Miserable most of the time but do-able. I feel like my life is on hold at this place. I hate my room, I feeled trapped here. I haven't read a book in forever even though I've started 4 already. I haven't drawn or painted or written a poem or digested poetry in forever. I haven't played piano. I haven't seen a really beautiful derivation since May and I miss miss miss physics. I stared at a simple kinematics problem the other night and couldn't remember how to solve it. My mind is going and that was my only strength.

"God, it's all You." I had a talk with myself as I made an attempt to get an better score than 20/100 during the final two and half hours. I said, "Leslie, if you truly want to be a good Marine and a good Marine Officer, you have to be willing to do TBS again." I have to take what God throws at me. If I pray with Shannon every morning for God to make us the best Marines we can be, not for ourselves but for Him, then I have to embrace what that requires. It will be so humiliating to be rolled back and I imagine that's probably a career killer, but if that's what I need, then I have to be ready for it. It can't be about me, it has to be about God and the Marines I'm responsible for...hopefully going to be responsible for.

So when I said, "God, it's all You," I found boxes. No joke. I walked through the LZ where we were during patrol and found the box I walked by a few weeks ago. Then I followed a stream and found my next box. I counted the boxes I hadn't looked for yet - three to go. I looked at my watch - an hour and a half left. I first thought to just go for the easy one and call it a day but then I jerked myself by the collar (figuratively) and said, "NO. I'm fighting for this." Box #8 was the one that got me befuddled in the classroom. I looked at it, saw NO decent attack points ANYWHERE NEAR IT, and said, "Yeah, so that's the one I'm skipping." Well, I was walking/running along a trail and said, "Ya know what, lemme try it anyway." I shot an azimuth for the winds of the road and tried to match them up with my map. I thought I finally had and and walked 250m west-ish. Unbelievable - found the damn thing in 5 minutes. "SUN"

Then I ran some more and found #9 quickly too. This put me at a 60% with 36 minutes to find #10 and get a passing score. My body was eating itself but I forced myself to run as much as I could. I got to my next improvised attack point (luckily on the road) with 14 minutes to find this last box before I had to catch the bus and not get a zero for being late. It started to rain and I felt good since the red box should stand out more (always appreciated how the rain makes colors more vivid). I was close. I was so close. I knew it was there. I found the intermittent stream it was supposed to be 100m off from, I was going up a finger...I KNEW IT WAS CLOSE. But alas, I ran out of time. I had to go back the 50m to the road. I was heartbroken, but I was proud that I fought for it. I wish I had five more minutes, but I can't play that game.

I was right with all the boxes I found. 60%. Saturday I'll try for the 70, at least. I hate that, like pistol, land nav feels like a crapshoot. I never really got help - I was alone obviously for all the other land nav evolutions we had and I never had a buddy for the remedials like other people had. Land Nav II was a waste since I was sick and had non-working compass and the remedial went terribly. I found another lieutenant who was looking for the same box so we helped each other to that box, then another guy walks up (someone's buddy - so someone who KNOWS land nav) and says, "Hey where do you think you are." "We think we're here." "No you're wrong." "Oh man...that stinks. Can you help us figure out where we are?" "Nope, sorry. Not my place." We went searching for that box the rest of the time (stupidly I guess) and then found out at the end that we were right the whole time. That's also when I learned that my compass wasn't working right. I passed Land Nav III but I had to do the remedial since I failed that last remedial. I asked my friend from school to be my buddy but I found out at the last minute that he wasn't allowed to help me since he's from another platoon. It would have been nice to have someone answer your questions. Never really got that.

I know I should be proud of myself. I got zeros during Leatherneck and it was unlike me to fight as hard as I did during those last two and a half hours. Normally, once I defeat myself, it's game over.

As I looking longingly into the woods as I awaited the bus, I thought about God. "God, You hid that last box from me. You hide Yourself from me a lot - why do You do that?" It would have been a miracle for me to pass today, but I didn't pass. Not yet. God, are You going to get me there and when? And don't you worry, not an hour goes by when I don't think about my terror of failing the E-course again.

It comforted me that I wasn't the only one who failed - the other girl room did (I really like them) so we can share the grief. But I'm admittedly jealous both my roommates passed, especially since Shannon and I usually commiserate together. Don't get me wrong - I don't want anyone to fail.

I got really upset listening to people who passed complain. That bugs me a lot. On the bus ride back I heard a bunch of guys gloat about their military skills grade. Hopefully someday those people meet with a catastrophic sledgehammer slam to the crotch. Okay, I didn't really mean that. Maybe.

We have a ton of work to do to get ready for FEX II next week. I doubt I'll have time to relax this weekend. I really need my weekends to keep myself from being miserable 100% of the time. I was honestly excited about land nav today cos I thought it would guarantee free weekends from now on (no more remedials was the plan). Oh irony. I was hoping to see Jon before he leaves for Pensacola but I might miss him entirely. Not even sure if it's a good idea to even go to Annapolis this weekend. I prolly still will since I'm so unhappy around Quantico. Maybe I can get my order done tomorrow night? And my command evals? And get my pack ready? And get enough sleep and food to function during 7+ hrs of remedial land nav? And mentally prepare myself for a week of misery?

I didn't go out to dinner tonight. I want to work on my order. As you see, I've been blogging instead soooooo

I'm hungry but I can barely eat when I'm upset. I know my body is suffering. I think I punish myself.

Gosh this was a sad day. God? I was proud of myself for keeping it together when I got my card graded and for not hanging my head or crying or letting my defenses down for when someone who inevitably make me feel worthless and shameful for my performance. I hope I can keep this going but my attitude regressed when I got to my room. I think I'm such a disappointment. To my friends and family, to 26th Company, to Mike, to Chief, to CAPT, and most especially to Jason. Shannon says I should call him when I get upset with my performance at TBS but I'm too ashamed to so I just blog and send him texts instead.

God, I really need You. It's all You.

Mike

2010-09-14T18:04:00.002-05:00

I had an amazing day.

I felt like Mike was all around me. I think about him a lot during the POI. I think "Mike was here." "Mike ran here." "Mike did this too."

We went to R7 and R4 today to conduct Call for Fire (Failure) and EPW search training and to watch a CAS demo. I had a feeling today wouldn't suck nearly as bad as SWM FEX did. Last night:

Me: (looking over the schedule) Hey tomorrow seems like it'll be decent.
Erin: Yeah it looks really fun.
Me: I said DECENT!

Baby steps.

Anyway, even though I didn't get my stuff together last night as I usually do, I didn't feel rushed this morning, I enjoyed my breakfast and Shannon and I said a prayer again together as we waited for the 7 Tons to pick us up. I usually lead the prayer since she likes when I do it and I'm glad I remembered what Sandy told me about putting on the armor of Christ. My back was already killing me from wearing my FLC and Sapis, especially after the upper body haze-fest Brittney and I put ourselves through last night, and I said, "God, please turn our hearts so that when we put on our gear, we put on the armor of Christ and help us remember that as heavy as it feels, our burden is light compared to what You take for us." Something along those lines at least. Shannon prayed that she was grateful to have me as a friend and I was really touched. I'm glad to have her too and I pray that too.

My platoon's first event was firing the Howitzer. I didn't have a good stance the first time but I got it the second time - kinda embarrassing! But it was awesome and I refused to bite down on the primer fast enough so that when I did try it already cooled off and didn't budge. The arty Marines made up this tradition to screw with lieutenants that we'd have to bite the primer closed and if we didn't we had to fill it with the CLP/dirt water and drink it. So we all did - Shannon, Brittney, and I went first and it was AWFUL! Tasted like rotten eggs. If my mother found out I drank that she'd die. We almost yacked all over each other.

That's when I first thought of Mike since he was an Artillery Officer.

I really enjoyed the CAS demo even though I had to pee the whole dang time. I'm now much better at telling apart the Huey and the Cobra from a distance and I thought it was neat to watch them shoot rockets and the like. I had "The Flight of the Valkyries" stuck in my head the whole time. I thought about Mike too since he wanted to be a pilot but couldn't because of his vision.

EPW handling was awesome! I really like the Intel Officer who taught it and my squad had a lot of fun prac-apping. At the end one of the guys who speaks Tagalog and one of the guys who speaks whatever Asian language that was played the Searcher and Coverman for an unsuspecting lieutenant whom they made do crazy stuff like dance around. So impressed that Tai kept a straight face the whole time. It really cracked me up. Before though, during the training, I thought about Mike since this was some of the stuff he was doing when he died. Even though the training got fun and funny, it was sobering.

Shannon and I were partners for Call for Failure. R7 was covered in dirt and dust when it was our turn to go so it was basically pointless since we couldn't see our target, but that's okay. I feel pretty confident about CFF. During the down time, my SPC talked to us about MOS's and even came up to me and said I should talk to one of the officers who was there since she's a SIGINT. I couldn't believe it - I felt like he was taking me seriously. My heart has been split between HUMINT and SIGINT lately and I was trying to determine whether I should put SIGINT first.

Shannon and I went up to the officer to talk to her once we were done with our CFF. She was awesome - I mean, AWESOME. She was excited to talk to us about SIGINT. I told her what I know about it (from what my friend Mike H. told me from his enlisted experience) and she said I was dead-on. She said the command opportunities in SIGINT are great and went on about leadership and I got that feeling in my heart that I did two years ago when LtGen Allen talked to my class about HUMINT and FAO. This is for me. I know it. I'm putting SIGINT first. I feel so good about this. I really hope I get it.

I felt like Mike was a part of my day and guided me here. I'm going to visit his grave again before I leave TBS. I've been there twice (the only two times I've been to Arlington - last time over two years ago) and I'd sit or stand before his grave and think about him and what he means to me and has meant to me for almost nine years now. I still have those articles about him on my desk at TBS. He's meant so much to me that I put him into my class ring - there are two small rubies that represent Passion and Sacrifice and inside is inscribed my full name with the phrase "A Dreamer With No Fear" directly underneath.

Still holding onto the dream, Mike. I promise.

Meeting My Platoon for the First Time

2010-09-13T16:51:00.002-05:00

Today as I was daydreaming happily during class, thinking, My Gosh, I love TBS so much, I wish it were longer than 6 months, I thought - hmm what better time than during a Rifle Platoon in the Defense class is there to decide how to introduce myself to my first platoon. Here are some options:

"Hi I'm 2ndLt Capuano and I went to the Naval Academy [knock knock knock]...ever heard of it? I'll be in my office."

"Good morning - I'm 2ndLt Capuano, and I am a total pushover."

"Hi guys! I'm 2ndLt Capuano but you can just call me Leslie. I really like jewelry, chocolate and flowers so if you want to get a good FITREP, just remember that. Ummm okay! Like I'm totally excited about working with you all I think we're going to have lots of fun!"

I like #2 the most right now.

Shiznit

2010-09-10T16:26:00.002-05:00

Today we found out that FEX II has been extended from two days to an entire week and we're not going to get back until 0100 Friday night.

Well, I aim to maintain professional bearing so SON OF A %*$&@#! I HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE MY LIFE I HATE THIS GOD FORSAKEN PLACE THIS MISERY INFESTED HELLHOLE ARMPIT OF A CESSPOOL AGONY VORTEX BLACKHOLE OF HAPPINESS HATEFUL HATED HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATED SPIRALLING TORMENT INTO THE THROES OF SUFFERING BLISTERING PUSSING CANCEROUS SORE ON MY TWENTIES SUCTION CUP OF DESPAIR TORMENTING PANGS NEVER-ENDING MENSTRUAL CRAMP LANDFILL THAT IS CAMP BARRETT.

I'm so excited about this. It's going to be so much fun. Every day I think to myself, "If only I could be a grunt."

I hope they throw our 9-miler at the beginning of the week when I have 20 MREs in my pack. Also, it would be IDEAL if night land nav could go sometime that week. And I hope it rains.

Alone in the Dark Woods is the Best Place to Cry

2010-09-09T15:26:00.002-05:00

So remember how I volunteered to go to remedial night land nav a few weeks ago even though I passed the first one?

And remember how I failed it? And that I not only failed it, a branch fell from a tree onto my head?

Yeah well "they" decided to hold another night land nav remedial, joy to the world. 8 of us.

70 is passing. I got a 70 on the first one and a 60 on the second one. Apparently the second time I drifted right for all my boxes. I don't know what my errors were for the first one, heaven forbid they tell us. Yeah I know I should have asked, save it.

Yesterday was bad and I was extremely on edge when I went over for remedial. There was approximately 0% illumination last night and I was mega paranoid about failing again, though I figured I'd fail again since I didn't understand how I drifted right last time. I was super careful about keeping the correct azimuth, checked it every ten paces, even walked into boxes.

Usually I finish in 2 hrs and we're given 3 hours. Last night I was slow. It was really frustrating. I didn't even have time to find my last box. I kept getting stuck in thorn bushes (a theme for me) and I got mad to the point where I think I kicked a fallen tree several times. It took a significant act of will to keep from screaming. I also fell a bunch of times.

I was angry and upset about life and figured being alone in the dark woods was a good place to cry. I bawled. I had a major breakdown in the woods, especially when I realized that by getting caught up in brambles and thorns with little time left I'd never get to my last box and make it back before drop-dead time. I started and thought I'd muscle it through and speed to my box but realized it wouldn't work. I had to give up. I only found 3 boxes and that's a max score of 75, if I didn't drift at all. On my way back to the road I seriously lost it.

I thought I pulled it together when I turned my card in. The Capt wasn't particularly happy that I didn't muscle it through but I knew it was diminishing returns. I doubted with all the falling and getting stuck I experienced for boxes 1-3 that I even got those right.

I got a 70. I was one box to the left for the first one. Go figure. And I was the most careful and fell the least for that one.

The Capt could tell I had been crying even though I wasn't anymore. He lectured me about there being no place for crying and I felt really small.

I bawled on the lonely walk back. I barely fell tough at all.

The Best Summer I: A Brief Summary of Months 1-3

2010-09-08T11:42:00.001-05:00

Halfway through this. A basic, chronological summary:

288 PFT but my file is still wrong I think and has it recorded as 271
ranked first in squad
300 CFT
Range week(s) happened
Unq'd on both pistol and rifle - an overall enlarging experience which required me to shoot once more on rifle and twice more in pistol to earn two pizza boxes
Hikes suck.
I'm barely able to eat and I'm dead tired after all the hiking. One night I go to bed late after getting back later than everyone to pull pits for a friend, then counsel all 12 peeps in my squad (I was a squad leader), then go to bed. No time for dinner. Just a banana. The next day we get back early and I finish cleaning my rifle, counseling a guy in my squad and I pass out. I accidentally sleep through my alarm and miss dinner again. The next day I start to hyperventilate on the firing line and try to fight through it. The Plt Guide and a Lt who used to be a Corpsman notice I don't look right and take me against my will to the docs. They tell me I'm not allowed to train anymore even though I keep asking to go back. Later that day my SPC tears me a new one (well, tries to - I got the impression he was trying too hard) and now I have to write a response to counseling since essentially my CoC didn't make the decision to let me continue to train. Awesome. Now I have to prove to him that I can be tough.

So three hours after going to bed I get up only to start an awesome day with a 6 mile hike. I volunteer to be road guard. I last one mile as I accidentally trip over a tree branch and face plant. S replaced me as road guard since I fell. Then I barely made it through the whole hike by myself since the guys lifted my pack a bit to help me through the last half. It felt awful. I hate having to be helped.

Then at midnight when we hiked back I fell again down Cardiac Hill. Go me. I was the only one in the whole dang platoon to fall at all.

My best friend in my platoon R got rolled back for unq'ing on rifle. Really crushed me. I remember one time when he was helping me pack up my stuff after another line-out (after re-qualing on rifle together - we were the only two double unq's in the platoon!) I was freaking out and whining about how I need to get away from Quantico and see my best friend and he pipes up, "What do you mean? I'm already here!" Made me smile. Don't do that genuinely all that often.

Then MCMAP happened. Tan belt warrior. Don't feel like I learned anything really, other than sprinting to the Bayonet Assault Course is miserable. Also, I don't like bayoneting things. Also, I can't get through the window obstacle without making a total fool of myself. Also I suck at pugil sticks.

Then I got ranked last by my SL for being weak in the field.

100 on Land Nav I. 70 on Initial Night Land Nav. Really disappointed.

Sunset Parade was cool. I was the only one to appreciate it. Go D&B!

I'd been freaking out about the E-Course since I suck at that stuff. Failed miserably on the initial. 99 freaking minutes. Passing is 90. I couldn't make it over the cargo net. It took me 3 times. I was sick too and haven't been eating right. I failed during Leatherneck too. 91:40. Way to not even improve. I ran it the week before with full gear and did the whole thing (not timing the O-Course too) in 78 minutes. I think carrying the rifle screws me up. Couldn't practice with the rifle.

STEXs, combat orders, BAMCIS. Boring as hell. FEX I ok. I was the rifle squad leader on the second go. I think my order was good. Execution = whatever. Then it stormed on us on the second night. R5 was pure misery. Kinda cool. But pure misery.

I volunteered for remedial night land nav even though I passed. Guess what. I failed this one.

Ranked 5th.

day Land Nav II - abomination. Zombie during the whole thing. So dang hot. Sick. Could barely keep myself upright. Remedial I find another Lt looking for the same box and we find it. Then this other Lt tells us we're in the wrong place so we spend the whole time looking for the box. Then I run into a friend of mine who said we had found the right box. Waste of time. Also learned my compass was jacked up.

Got a new compass.

Pass Land Nav III and remedial. Yay.

Ranked last again. Since I'm not in a leadership role, I tend to step back and wait to be told what to do. Yet when I'm in a leadership role I'm assertive and good to go. So basically, when it's my time to be a leader, I lead well and when it's time to be a follower, I follow well. And this is bad because...? Just frustrated. It's difficult for me to assert myself when this place is so obviously sexist. None of the girls got patrol billets. Big surprise.

I pass all my tests with a 89% average but I know I could do better if I cared more. Some of the test questions are STUPID but the material is so insipid I can't motivate myself to do more than what's necessary to get by. I get annoyed by the know-it-alls and the guys who FREAK OUT about studying this stuff.

My SPC barely knows who I am. I'm freaking out about MOS's since I can't tell what's right for me. I try to ask questions and get answers like "Logistics Officers are responsible for logistics" and "Signals Intelligence gathers intelligence through electronic signaling." Thankfully I was sitting when I heard both these statements.

Busting my butt to get better for the E-Course. Today I ran the PFT course (3mi) with my assault pack (two full canteens, full camelback, two SAPI plates, kevlar) in 35 minutes without stopping once. Didn't think I could do that but I'm still not confident I can pass the E-Course. Seriously freaking out about this.

My knees are gone. I now take 5 pills daily. 1 One-A-Day Women's and 4 glucosamine/chondroitin/MSM.

I hate that I'm not reaching my potential here. I never do well in peer environments. I mean, when we got peer evals I got ranked low but no one speared me - said some nice things to be honest and the weaknesses they identified I agree with. But I don't have anyone to care for. Like my plebes or my company. I feel like it's just me and I don't motivate myself.

I still give it my all. Just don't feel like my "all" is all it used to be.

A Thought on Womanhood and Civilization

2010-06-05T20:35:00.000-05:00

Mrs TLF sent this to me - found it while going through my old email:

March 7, 2008

"To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women."
Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

For Reflection:
To what extent am I raising the level of our culture and civilization?

Quote from Dead Poets Society

2010-06-05T18:29:00.001-05:00

Ryan said this in class and sent it to me:

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play *goes on* and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

--John Keating

CELEBRATE EARTH DAY BY PROMOTING LIFE!!

2010-04-20T16:52:00.000-05:00

https://www.catholicvote.org/index.php?/site/donationpage/

7 Wonders of the World

2010-02-10T21:02:00.002-05:00

I got this in an email from my mom - normally these things are so saccharine but I like this one.

7 Wonders of the World:

To see
To hear
To touch
To feel
To laugh
To love
To taste

I remember having a debate with myself ever since I was little about which sense I'd never give up if I had to lose one and it was after meeting Reza that I knew for sure I'd never give up the sense of touch.

Dances with Wolves

2010-01-08T15:23:00.003-05:00

So I was watching the movie the other day with my parents and we get to the steamy love scene:

My mother: Ya know, she plays the main character in Battlestar Galactica.
Me: Your Indian name is Kills the Mood.

Another Quote from Nick

2010-01-02T18:34:00.003-05:00

Nick: I had lunch with your sister. I gave her carry-on.
me: That's nice.
Nick: Then I didn't call her the next day!

Quotes of the Day(s)

2010-01-02T18:27:00.003-05:00

This is from a Facebook chat with Nick:

Nick: if you were a superhero, your power would be to kill the mood

This is from Army-Navy 2009:

CAPT: I like to play piano every day. It's my life dream to master the piano.
me: That's nice. So what are you up to? "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"?
CAPT: No. I'm more advanced.
me: Oh. "Mary Had a Little Lamb"?
CAPT: No. "Leslie is a Vile Bitch."
me: Sounds complicated.

These quotes, while highly accurate, really put me in a good light.

2010 is HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-02T15:22:00.003-05:00

So I just read over my goals from last year. 2009 was largely sucky but a lot of good happened too. A recap:

1. I got my service selection in November! I'm going to be commissioned a Marine Corps ground Officer this May.
2. I accomplished Leatherneck and Plebe Summer detail even though I was nervous about both and struggled a lot. But I learned a lot too and that's pretty important.
3. I ran a 22:48 PFT and I never even believed I'd be able to run a sub-24:00. I was so excited. AND I finished the O-Course in 2:00 and I barely thought I'd be able to pass in 4:00!! Last year at this time I couldn't even climb a rope and during Leatherneck I did it 5 or 6 times in a row!
4. I finally made an A in aptitude ranking - now, I think ranking is pretty dumb but it was one of my goals. As a plebe, I never thought I'd ever make an A and I finally did. Granted, I never got my "comments" yet and I'm not looking forward to reading them because usually they're hurtful (your classmates can make anonymous comments about you). I would've finally made Supe's List if my grades didn't drop! Ugh! Irony!
5. I got selected for Company Commander. When I was a plebe, I despised my company so much and I told myself I'd NEVER EVER even consider going up for CC...not that I thought I'd ever get it!
6. I finally detached myself from my ex and even though we're not friends anymore, I don't blame myself for being a terrible human being like I used to. I feel a lot better about this even if it's not great.
7. I finally told Boy how I felt about him and even though it was one of the worst experiences of my life and I nearly puked on him, I knew I had to do it or I'd never be able to just drop it and move on. And, I'm moved on. Great.
8. I had an amazing time during this internship in Quantico. AMAZING. I still keep in touch with everyone.
9. I went to Budapest and Bratislava for Spring Break! WONDERFUL. I went with one of my good friends Kalea - definitely one of my best friends at school - and we stayed with her friend Bethany. We went to a Turkish Bath, ancient Roman ruins, castles and chapels on these gorgeous hills, a Hungarian math class!, and we got there in time for the Spring Uprising celebration...AND I got to touch the Danube!
10. I went to Hawaii with D&B - so fun! We went hiking and scuba diving and even though the team lost, we had an awesome time together during Thanksgiving. We had a *cough* memorable experience at Ruth's Chris.
11. NAVY MANHANDLED MIZZOU! My last Navy football game as a Midshipman and we finally won a Bowl Game! Great times with great friends. I got to see Mission Control!
12. I took like a million people to the ER this year, including one time during a D&B MO to New Orleans (which was pretty fun). Everyone okay, including myself when I had breathing problems (which I still have).
13. I'm better friends with my classmates in my company. I'm a lot happier about this. And I have better appreciation for my other friends, especially in D&B.
14. I was Ops Officer for our Bowl Game and it didn't completely explode in major catastrophe! Never thought I'd be able to do Ops for D&B, let alone for the Bowl Game. It wasn't perfect and I have some good after-action thoughts for next time, but I it a success.
15. I got to go to Chris and Janyse's wedding in Pensacola in August...definitely fun. I stayed with Haylee and it was basically a D&B MO!!
16. I saw this trippy version of Dante's Inferno with Haylee and Shawn and I think Stephen in DC. And that same weekend I went to this Pompeii exhibit at I think the National Gallery of Art with the Italian Midshipmen Club (uh, 4 of us - I was the only non-Plebe).
17. I met some more awesome teachers and role models like Prof Witt and Rabbit an Prof Yetman. And I've realized even more this year what an amazing effect Kim Julka has had on my life and I miss her so much!
18. Saw some great movies like The Joy Luck Club, Jurassic Park, The Deer Hunter, Platoon, Star Trek, Up. No, not all for the first time, but when I saw them this year they really changed me - The Joy Luck Club for the beautiful interpretations of these women's lives and Jurassic Park for the imagination. And I'm starting to get into Star Trek with my mom.
19. I discovered the Brigade Sports Complex and went to yoga with Aubrey (my awesome roommate) and Holly and Jess and the next day went to "play tennis" with Krisandra - FUN!!
20. I finally started a good weight training routine since I took the weight training class which was the best PE class ever. Triathlon next semester.
21. The night I studied for my atoms final, I learned a lot about quantum physics and I finally got that satisfaction I wanted from learning (I've not had that for a while). And I got an A on the final!
22. I saw a modern version of King Lear in DC after my Quantico intership. Weird, but I'm glad I got to see it. Stacey Keach played King Lear. After taking Forms of Poetry with Doc White and a Shakespeare class (I sat next to Chris so it was awesome!), I have a new love and appreciation for Cordelia.
23. I read some good books like Doctor Faustus by Christopher Marlowe, Hadji Murat by Leo Tolstoy, A Hero of Our Times by Mikhail Lermontov, some Chekhov short stories, Gogol shorts stories (they were great!), and good poetry - Tennyson, Eliot, Yeats; I became especially close to "If" by Kipling. I didn't get to finish any of the novels from my Modern British Lit class but I plan to. I'm currently reading Snow Falling On Cedars (I got interrupted since I accidentally left it in Pensacola after Chris and Janyse's wedding) and Till We Have Faces by C.S. Lewis. Also The Book of Three by Lloyd Alexander (I started it around this time last year but left it at school). I got introducted to more Shakespeare even though I didn't get to finish reading any of the plays (Bad Leslie!).
24. NAVY D&B BEAT AIR FORCE!! Woohoo! We had a great show and it was fun to play (as usual) - Batman (I was on vibes), Spiderman (bells), and Superman (marimba). I can't believe I already played my last field show. I'm gonna miss those.
25. Hollis is a plebe now and she's doing well! I'm so proud of her. I miss her - she had to go back to Annapolis early for swim team training.
26. Grant said this past semester is the happiest he's ever seen me. That was one of the best things anyone could have said to me.
27. Gained (or regained) love for some musicians - The Cranberries, Rusted Root, CCR, Foo Fighters, Smashing Pumpkins.
28. Completed my third marathon - and most of it by myself (never thought I'd be able to do that) - and I ENJOYED IT THE WHOLE TIME!! Never whined or cried and I would've beat my time if we didn't stop for Ryan to wait in line for the bathroom, so all around a success!
29. I driving all over the east coast all by myself (and Garmin)! Got to visit Andy in Philly a million times and even that's not enough (miss him too!!!).
30. I had some awesome talks about literature with Rabbit and his family and friends and with Prof Hartley - from Wayside School to C.S. Lewis!!!
31. I understand Gamma integrals! Finally! But with math tables...
32. I'm almost able to integrate! But let's not get carried away...
33. I got into reading more magazines and I like it a lot even though I don't read as much as I'd like to. I'm a proud subscriber of National Geographic (awesome photos let alone articles), Discover, and Military History. I just started getting into The Economist. I'm looking for a good, comprehensive world news source.

Okay so my goals for 2010:

1. Work on my temper and my patience. More like, not let my emotions take over since I CAN be rational.
2. Not WORRY over what other people think of me. It's kinda sad that I have this as a goal because that means I do worry about it and that I've experienced a lot of negativity, but I'd rather be confident with who I am (strengths and flaws) and not get upset about other people. It doesn't mean I shouldn't be concerned since I don't want to be a total douchebag.
3. Read more and read better. It's my goal to finish those books I mentioned before that I'm part-way through, and also to memorize more poetry and keep it in my heart. I was so amazed and moved when Rabbit quoted poetry off the top of his head - "The Indian Upon God" by William Butler Yeats.
4. Draw more and try to paint. Rabbit says you should be going through a ton of sketchpads a year.
5. Play piano more regularly (at all would also be nice!).
6. Improve in Russian rather than to lose it.
7. Gain running competency.
8. Get huge. Not but seriously - maintain my weight training but keep my weight where I want it without obsessing over it like I do.
9. Spend more time with family, even if that means only calling. Also, more time with friends.
10. Not to waste time and to be able to work through exhaustion - just figure out something to do rather than stare at a wall or computer screen.
11. Work out a lot more and more regularly.
12. Get up earlier, go to bed earlier. That's a hard thing since I can't sleep at night.
13. Become closer to God. Pray more, especially as I start and end the day.
14. Be satisfied with what I learn from my classes, hopefully get A's but more important gain knowledge and not to lose that after I graduate.
15. Make this my best year yet - live a fuller life.

Some great challenges this year will offer:

being CC
TBS but especially land nav, the A-frame (I just might die on this), and the E-Course
thermal physics and GR (general relativity taught by a soon-Nobel winner)
getting commissioned - USNA is basically a playground in comparison

Lessons 1-7

2009-12-10T12:26:00.003-05:00

Lesson 1: Some people have no sense of humor.
Lesson 2: Emails will be interpreted.
Lesson 3: It's easy to be stupid so get your ducks in a row and think before you act.
Lesson 4: Some people suck. Not your fault.
Lesson 5: Professionalism in some regards requires personal removal. Actions easily get misinterpreted.
Lesson 6: If you're corrected, it's often because someone cares. It doesn't matter how you get corrected, what matters is that you correct yourself.
Lesson 7: Don't cry in public and don't try to appeal to others' sympathy.

A Thought I Just Had

2009-12-07T00:00:00.001-05:00

I'm much different now than I was a year ago today.

A different person.

I like that.

Taps

2009-11-22T21:25:00.001-05:00

Day is done.
Gone the sun.
From the lakes
From the hills.
From the sky.
All is well.
Safely rest.
God is nigh.

Fading light.
Dims the sight.
And a star.
Gems the sky.
Gleaming bright.
From afar.
Drawing nigh.
Falls the night.

Thanks and praise.
For our days.
Neath the sun
Neath the stars.
Neath the sky

As we go.
This we know.
God is nigh

Today my schedule says, "Wallowing in humiliation and self-pity all day"

2009-11-20T12:22:00.001-05:00

This accurately describes today:

Blue Sun Bristling

2009-11-17T21:30:00.003-05:00

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap091104.html

From Astronomy Picture of the Day, one of my favorite pictures

like a giant eye!

NO STORM can shake my inmost calm

2009-11-01T21:32:00.000-05:00

Mark 4:35-41
On that day, as evening drew on, he said to his disciples, "Let us cross to the other side." Leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat just as he was. And other boats were with him. A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up. Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!" The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then he asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?"

I liked this reflection afterwards:

Christ allows our boat to be tossed by difficulties that sometimes seem insurmountable. Having him in our boat is not a guarantee that things will go smoothly. We need to discover that he is working in the midst of difficulties. We need to ask what he is teaching us.

I think, in my mind, this will always be his song

2009-10-28T20:18:00.003-05:00

Ever since plebe year I've always associated this song with him because he and the other youngsters would always sing it to each other when D&B played it. I never heard it before and they all knew the song.

Today I realized why I'll always associate this song with him. It was all foreshadowing.

Have you ever been close to tragedy
Or been close to folks who have
Have you ever felt a pain so powerful
So heavy you collapse
I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
that's the impression that I get
have you ever had the odds stacked up so high
You need a strength most don't possess
Or has it ever come down to do or die
You've got to rise above the rest
I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
that's the impression that I get
I'm not a coward,
I've just never been tested
I'd like to think that if I was,
I would pass
Look at the tested and think there but for the grace go
I might be a cowards,
I'm afraid of what I might find out
I've never had to knock on wood
But I know someone who has
Which makes me wonder if I could
It makes me wonder if
I've never had to knock on wood
And I'm glad I haven't yet
Because I'm sure it isn't good
That's the impression that I get

Bible Quote Rah

2009-10-20T23:10:00.001-05:00

"It is better to win control over yourself than over whole cities" (Proverbs 16:32 TEV).

A comment on meekness.

Quote as Gerred's Tag

2009-10-18T19:47:00.001-05:00

"The greatest battles of life are fought out daily

in the silent chambers of the soul."

-Stephen Covey

My Affirmation

2009-10-13T22:13:00.001-05:00

Mando Sub Meeting Tomorrow with the Dant...

1. I don't want the $15,000 Nuke bonus.
2. I don't want the million dollar book deal.
3. I don't want the million dollar movie deal.
4. I don't want the glory and fame.
5. I don't want to be praised as a pioneer.
6. I want to be a Marine.

An Anecdote Commenting on the Worthlessness of the Personnel Office

2009-10-13T14:52:00.002-05:00

I walk into the Personnel Office to reset my PIN for my CAC at 1530 exactly.

Worman: Are you here to reset your PIN?
Me: Yes, ma'am!
Worman: Well, I'm leaving so come back tomorrow.
Me: Oh, okay. Well, I have a really busy schedule so I was wondering how long it should take?
Worman: A couple seconds.
Me: A couple seconds?
Worman: A couple seconds.
Me: Ummm....okay. So you're leaving?
Worman: I'm leaving.
Me: Well, I'm just a bit confused because the sign here on the door clearly says the hours are till 1600.
Worman: Yes, but I leave early. The woman who stays till 1600 left early.
Me: And this only takes a couple seconds?
Worman: Yes, come back tomorrow.
Me: Okay, I wouldn't want to be an inconvenience.

Operation SEALORDS & Expeditionary Riverine Ops during the Civil War

2009-10-08T06:52:00.000-05:00

Rough Riders,

Today in military history....

On October 8, 1968, the U.S. and the South Vietnamese launched Operation SEALORDS aimed at disrupting North Vietnamese supply routes about the Mekong Delta. SEALORDS stands for "Southeast Asia Lake, Ocean, River, and Delta Strategy" and the operation was successful in turning over riverine responsibility to the South Vietnam Navy by 1971. It was conceived by Vice Admiral Elmo Zumwalt (Commander, US Naval Forces, Vietnam), who served as the youngest CNO (1970-1974).

EXPEDITIONARY RIVERINE OPERATIONS are not a recent innovation of the U.S. military and in fact Operation SEALORDS piggy-backed off the successes of American operations during the Revolutionary War and the Civil War: “During 1965 and 1966 when the possibility of creating a U.S. riverine force for operations in the Mekong Delta was being discussed, there were three basic considerations that weighed heavily in favor of a force, [the first being] a tradition of past American success in riverine operations, particularly Union operations in the Mississippi basin during the Civil War." -- Major General William B. Fulton.

In April 1863, RADM David Porter's forces facilitated the Union victory at Vicksburg through riverine tactics: protecting army transports, guarding troop disembarkation, and providing supporting fires. Confederate defenders were forced to surrender in July, leaving the Mississippi River open to Union navigation. This divided the Confederacy and deprived it of supplies largely from Mexico.

Later, in 1864 when Gen. Smith was able to move his Union forces (18,000 troops) quickly from Cold Harbor to Petersburg via the York and James Rivers. Utilizing riverine routes allowed them to seize Petersburg before Gen. Lee could reinforce Gen. Beauregard's 2500 troops.

Lessons Learned

* Riverine forces can be utilized by a commander to offset the lack of appropriate land routes to realize or maintain a high level of operational tempo

* Riverine forces are capable of independent movements if required to aggressively take the fight to the enemy

* Operations conducted by riverine forces can have far-reaching tactical, operational and, to a lesser extent, strategic implications

Today in Military History series...

2009-10-08T06:51:00.002-05:00

I've started sending these emails out to my company.

Okay so this is "Yesterday in Military History":

Rough Riders,

Here is the first in a series of military history trivia emails sent out on a very inconsistent basis! Enjoy!

Today marks the anniversary of the Battle of Lepanto, one of history's greatest naval battles. It took place on October 7, 1571 between the Ottoman Turks and the Holy League (Spain, the Papacy, Mediterranean states) and halted the Turkish push west into Europe.

Lepanto was an Ottoman naval station in Greece and the battle marked the end of the era of the galley, which was a ship powered entirely by oarsmen and in use since the time of Homer (~800 BC). The galley became obsolete because bronze guns and greater gun batteries disrupted the galley’s balance between speed and manpower. Larger hulls and more rowers were needed. Despite nearly equal numbers of galleys and people, the Holy League was superior in artillery. Additionally, the Ottomans' rowers were slaves, chained to their oars and unable to fight.

Trivia: Miguel de Cervantes was at the battle and drew from his experiences to write Don Quixote (1605).

G. K. Chesterton wrote the poem "Lepanto" as a historical ballad, which all you literary motivators can read here: http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/lepanto.htm

Some of you may remember the training head gouge from last year on Lepanto, which I attached for your edification.
IN ADDITION, today in PHYSICS HISTORY marks the birth in 1885 of Nils Bohr, whose model of atomic structure is responsible for quantum theory and 10 of the credits I have to take. So, thank you, Nils Bohr.

Our Halftime Show from Last Week...

2009-10-04T13:56:00.001-05:00

Yeah I screwed up the beginning (wasn't on tempo) but I didn't watch this yet so I don't know if you can tell:

Just Batman and Spiderman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPeQp6SJGS4

Rah.

My Thrashees

2009-09-22T19:35:00.003-05:00

here are pictures of my widdle baby plebes

:D

Candle on the Water

2009-09-21T20:38:00.002-05:00

I've had this song stuck in my head a lot recently and listened to it a lot the other night. I love this song! It's so calming!

It makes me sad that I've mentioned Pete's Dragon to a bunch of people and so far only one other person knows what I'm talking about.... :(

I'll be your candle on the water.....

Yeah I'm Republican

2009-09-13T11:25:00.001-05:00

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.

-- Abraham Lincoln

Stuff I Learned About Leadership

2009-09-10T22:54:00.001-05:00

My homey Chris asked me to answer what I learned about leadership over Plebe Summer (for a project) and this is what I came up with. I honestly think I learned stuff writing this for him rah:

1) You don’t need to be liked to lead. I found that when I wasn’t focusing on whether or not my plebes liked me, I was most effective. I think this can be attributed mainly to understanding that leadership is NOT ABOUT YOU! It’s about them…always. Of course, I wasn’t aiming for my plebes to not like me – that in general I would regard as bad leadership – you do want to inspire, but my point is that your concentration as a leader shouldn’t be your own popularity. The most necessary, hardest decisions are usually unpopular, just because “those trained in the most severest of schools” ends up the best – Thucydides said that, I think. No one LIKES severity at the outset – but at the end of the day, you sure do. When you can make those you’re leading go to bed each night proud, not necessarily happy but proud, then you did pretty darn well, I’d say.

Part of the reason I think you shouldn’t worry about being liked is that those you’re training aren’t all mentally or professionally mature to understand the necessity of severity. I will quote Tennyson (probably not entirely properly) to make my point: “Theirs not to make reply, / Theirs not to reason why, / Theirs but to do and die.” Well, that’s a bit extreme (the dying part) but it’s not their job to question YOUR authority – it’s there job to suck it up and do it. Message to Garcia. Oooo-rah!

2) They don’t know your insecurities if you don’t show them. I was really nervous right before taking over for Plebe Summer – would I lead well? Would I be esteemed? Would I make mistakes? BIG mistakes? Would I be able to keep up with their strengths? Would I be able to bounce back from mistakes which might harm my credibility? My questions went on. Nervousness is NOT a bad trait in a leader – in moderation, to channel that good ol’ motivating Aristotle. It keeps you in check – it makes sure you understand the gravity of leadership and that you are preparing yourself to be the best you can be for your subordinates. BUT, if you go around wearing your insecurities like a neon sign, then you’ve totally compromised your leadership, your authority, your own competencies. They don’t know you! They just MET you! They haven’t got a clue what your past is, what your fears are, what your mistakes were – not a clue! Do they even have to know? That’s YOUR decision. It’s not a bad thing to show your people you’re human and made mistakes, but it’s a great thing to show that you learned from them and are divulging these “secrets” genuinely for their own education. But that’s entirely another point. My point here is that you need to be the authority figure you want them to see. Would you want to be lead by someone who has indecision in the place of boldness? Probably not. So just go out there and lead. Lead going 100mph. If you make mistakes, your intensity level will keep your leadership momentum going and it’ll be easier to pick up, move on, and train on.

3) Don’t let them see you bleed. Then they’ll think you are 100% pure solid hard as a rock. Be stoic but don’t NOT show emotion – what I mean is, keep your frustrations to yourself, but show some humanity, man. Don’t let them see you tired. If you need to, stick your head in the shower. Drink coffee. Do what it takes to do your job. If you’re REALLY not feeling it, then don’t go out there and let them see you fall (i.e., get the sleep you need). But if you just kinda sorta maybe would rather not do it, then get off your butt, shake it off, and get out there and lead! Shake it off, man, shake it off!

Training RAH

2009-09-07T19:51:00.000-05:00

"The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war."
Hyman G. Rickover 1986

Work Ethic

2009-08-27T23:05:00.001-05:00

"there's something about the dignity of a job"

-- Mike Huckabee on Hannity tonight

I think that's true. Good honest work is really gratifying.

Baby Blues

2009-08-24T22:01:00.003-05:00

another Cranberries great

it's just a picture of them but you get to at least hear the song I've been singing to myself all day

"He is the best thing to come my way
Perfect picture baby blues in my day
He is the best thing to come around
Sleeping in his cradle safe and sound"

I don't know why I feel this way but ever since I've taken over as squad leader for the plebes during the summer I've been thinking even more about how much I want to be a mom and how much the thought excites me and I guess some days I just feel joyful - it brings me a lot of joy thinking of that

It's special too - this song is happy and most songs Dolores O'Riordan sings are angry or bitter or something...still good though

I feel like I have a lot of motherly qualities. I mean, I've never questioned the possibility that I could be a really good mom. I feel like this is something that comes naturally to me...even though obviously I've never had that experience before. I don't know - I just feel confident about it. I usually don't feel naturally confident about my ability to do things but this I've always felt confident about.

Will I be a mom by the time I'm 30? I hope so. It will be hard though being in the military. I know that. I'll figure it out I think. I must.

You and Me

2009-08-24T21:56:00.003-05:00

This is such a great video. The Cranberries are one of the best bands ever!

You and Me.

I like how this song can be about anyone and I especially like the image of the father with his son.

I really want to be a mom!

St Frances de Sales Smart Dude

2009-08-19T13:21:00.001-05:00

Mrs TLF sent me these quotes awhile ago that I unearthed while cleaning out my email inbox:

Hope: "We shall steer safely through every storm, as long as our heart is right, our intention fervent, our courage steadfast, and our trust fixed in God."

"The past must be abandoned to God's mercy, the present to our fidelity, the future to divine providence."

-- St. Frances de Sales

Harrisburg 2009

2009-08-19T13:19:00.001-05:00

I didn't post this earlier (like months ago) as I intended but here are YouTube clips of D&B's performance at Serenade in Brass in Harrisburg in April. We played Batman, GnR, traditional military songs, etc.

A Thought on Perspective

2009-08-17T15:54:00.001-05:00

"You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed" Psalm 139: 15-16

I wish more people would understand this

2009-08-17T15:53:00.001-05:00

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to
see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Nerd!

2009-08-13T14:27:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I marched my plebes over to their fireside chat between Michelson and Rickover. We got there early so I let them make head calls, ask questions etc. When a couple left to use the head, I asked them if they knew what building they were entering (Michelson) and then it occurred to me to go over with them who Albert Michelson was (Academy grad who measured c and determined there is no ether; first American to win the Nobel Prize in Physics). So I start explaining this to my plebes and then my fellow cadre make fun of me for being a nerdy physics major and joke, "Hey how about we talk about string theory and wave-particle duality!" So I'm game.

Me: So do y'all really want to talk about the wave-particle duality of light?
Plebe: Yes, ma'am, but before you start, would you like to borrow my BCGs?
*pause*
Me: Lock it up.

Then later one of my plebes asks if we noticed that during the 2nd Set turnover parade the church bells tolled right when 2nd Set took over. I said, no, but did you here that it lightning'ed during ours? Of course they're all impressed.

Me: Mr So&So, the bell tolls for thee.
Plebe: Wait, what?!
Me: It's a death knell! Someone please explain to him what I mean.
Smarter Plebe: For whom the bell tolls, the bell tolls for thee. It means you're going to die.
Me: Ooo who knows who said that?!
*silence*
Me: Do not say Metallica.
BCG Plebe: Ma'am, no, ma'am - I was going to say the lead singer of Metallica.
Me: omG does the lead singer of Metallica even have a name?!
Some Plebe in the back: Wait! I think Ernest Hemingway said that!
Me: Ernest Hemingway is NOT the lead singer of Metallica, freaks. James Hetfield is. Anyway, JOHN DONNE SAID THAT. JOHN DONNE IS FREAKING MOTIVATING!
Smarter Plebe: Ma'am, we're just trying to cover all your majors.
Me: Oh be quiet.

The Best of Royce Gracie

2009-08-10T16:36:00.002-05:00

motivating video of Royce

except the minute of blank screen at the end is just lame....

This, to me, is happiness

2009-08-10T16:05:00.001-05:00

Night Trajectory over Patagonia

As fantastic as this may be, it is things like this that really ground me.

Lesistrata

2009-08-10T15:04:00.003-05:00

I found this glorious paper I wrote for LT Soule about a year and a half ago while attempting to write up Form 1's for my dirty nasties. Please enjoy:

MIDN 3/C Leslie Capuano, USN
LT Brandon Soule, USN
HE217: Early Western Literature
7 March 2008

LESISTRATA

PROLOGUE

MIDN Lesistrata, a motivated young student wearied by the prolonged war at Akademia, the sanctified grounds of Athena, goddess of wisdom, sends a message to LT Pneuma requesting an end to the onslaughts waged upon Akademia in which Wisdom Herself is violated. He fails to respond promptly. A bad idea…

PARODOS

Chorus enters

Old Man: O woe! O woe!
A young Greek lad: Wait wait wait! What are we lamenting this time?
Old Man: The mischievous but well-intentioned and highly-motivated and while I’m at it superbly-proficient-in-HE217-and-should-get-an-A MIDN Lesistrata has boycotted all writing!
A young Greek lass: Well that’s not new – she hasn’t written anything of substantial value since I-day-minus-a-week!
Agreement among the chorus members
Old Man: Will everyone just be quiet and read along what it says in the script? We’re not getting paid to moan! Oh wait…yes we are…
Chorus: O woe! O woe…for the young Lesistrata has abandoned all writing in the name of FREEDOM!

EPISODE

Lesistrata: I have abandoned all writing in the name of freedom!
Maryhine : Oh but Lesistrata why?! Must I forgo my long-loved pastime as well?!
Lesistrata: It’s the only way. Those evil and unsympathetic and - since this already sounds feminist - chauvinistic men embodied in LT Pneuma have to learn that we shall never suffer the abuses of Akademia when it threatens our devotion to Wisdom!
Maryhine: Hey that’s a pretty clever way of saying that bureaucratic systems such as the educational system can get in the way of its very goal! The pursuit of Wisdom freely!
Lesistrata: It’s a good thing I added you Maryhine or else this entire incident would be lost in translation!
Maryhine: Well, it’s all Greek to me…

STASIMON

Strophe:

Chorus moves from right to left – yeah I pay attention in class

Chorus: That Lesistrata! She sure knows how to stick it to the Man! She’s so witty that she even picked a man to represented “the Man”!

Antistrophe:

Chorus moves from left to right

A young Greek lad: Hey where are we going? I left my comedic-ending-mask on stage left!
Old Man: Curses Brandonos! May you be cursed to a lifetime with the angry Poseidon…all right folks! It looks like we have to do another strophe!
Agitation arises.
Chorus: Lesistrata! She’s so great! She has to do it because LT Pneuma doesn’t accept papers late!
The young Greek lad: Your rhyme scheme is off.
A lightning bolt presumably from the sky silences the young lad…indefinitely.

Antistrophe:

Chorus: O but here comes that wicked LT Pneuma! He carries with him rage and a red pen, for those exacters of judgment who use red pens have no sympathy for the intimidation imposed by the color!

EPISODE

LT Pneuma: Lesistrata, I come asking for mercy.
Lesistrata: Mercy? How very strange…the chorus just said you were wrathful.

Chorus: Oops. Our bad.

Lesistrata: I’m curious…Mercy? How uncharacteristic of those great Greek warriors…it’s almost…Christian!
LT Pneuma: You’re right…just as you always are, my young student. I wanted to “co-op” (because I use that word so much) the Greek tradition with Christianity to prove yet again the threads binding together western literature!
Lesistrata: How very sneaky…yet I described in a paper (while I was writing papers) that I finally approve. What is it that you want mercy for?
LT Pneuma: My hamartia! My tragic mis-step! I failed to answer your message promptly to tell you the assignment wasn’t due! O woe is me!
Lesistrata: Well, as much as it would be appropriate for someone’s soul to flutter away in this piece, I spare you.
LT Pneuma: O thank you!
Lesistrata: You’re welcome. Any time before a good period of leave…

EXODOS

Lesistrata, LT Pneuma, Maryhine, and Chorus exit…duh.

Train OOONNNN!!!!

2009-08-06T15:10:00.002-05:00

Okay so I woke up this morning with an Elton John song stuck in my head. I'm pretty sure I dreamed about it. Wasn't much for getting my train on.

Note the reference to "Levon" in the title. Yeah, I'm subtle AND funny.

My lungs were filled with phlegm this morning at PEP. Eew yuck.

Leading from the Front

2009-08-04T22:32:00.002-05:00

Leading from the Front - that's a good thing. But, I just don't feel like so far during 2nd Set that I'm getting a lot of opportunity to do that.

Let me just splatter some complaints and then I'll come up with a solution:

1) O-course today. I love the O-Course and I was super excited about going with my squad. Unfortunately, the cadre didn't do it. I didn't like this at all. I think having the cadre do the O-course before or after (or WHENEVER) in front of the plebes is important. It adds legitimacy to our authority. Also, as a female, it's good to show the other female plebes that it IS possible to complete it. I kept asking my CC if we'd do it and all I'd get is, "If we have time" or I'd just be ignored. I didn't want to just jump ahead of plebes and do it and at the end, only one platoon commander and the CC raced through it. This just did not sit well with me. I mean, come on. It only takes a couple minutes max to go through one time - so why couldn't we get the cadre through? Yeah, I couldn't just jumped in right after the other two cadre but there was no point because all the plebes were formed up ready to leave. (I admit - my body was dragging due to sickness and I wasn't super confident I wouldn't done a great job but I still could've done it). I ended up helping people with rope-climbing technique and I flipped over the double bars once. I really wanted to do more. I feel like I didn't get the chance to add legitimacy to my authority by not doing it.

2) ITE - intensive training exercise (punishment PT). I remember doing this my Plebe Summer and the cadre did the exercises with us. I think that's important. But no cadre is allowed to do any of the exercises this year. I understand you need safety observers but not EVERYONE needs to do that. I'm really uncomfortable yelling at my plebes to do something I'm NOT doing. AND, let's face it, when I get tired after being PT'd awhile, my form is going to slip and suck too - I don't like the "do what I say, not what I do" mentality since I'm fairly sure most of the cadre's form would suck at a certain point too.

3) I remember over my Plebe Summer that the cadre did uniform races with us. This was awesome because they of course always beat us and so it meant something when they yelled at us for being too slow. I figured we'd do the same but my platoon commander's attitude is, "We already had our Plebe Summer - you're not participating in the uniform races." I don't like this. I think I could fix this by just saying to heck with it and going to change. But ummm I'm slow as crap (AND I live in another wing from my platoon spaces - eek). I figured if we did the uniform races consistently it would impress the "live up the same standard you expect your subordinates to follow" upon all of us - I'd probably be a lot faster too.

Aahh so anyway I'm annoyed with those types of things. I can't believe it's almost Wednesday - the week FLEW by. I felt like I went to the E-course only a few days ago - wow!

I'm loving Plebe Summer. Cadre-ing is the perfect job for me. I wish I could do more, though but there is a point where I feel my hands are tied. Typing this out I think helps me figure out where I can loosen those ties, though.

I think I'm starting to be a bit too easy on my plebes. That's part of the reason I wanted to take a day - to regroup. I don't want to get into a "see? my squad's doing well!" mentality when they can and should be doing better. Thrash thrash thrash and thrash some more. Hehe.

Plebe Summer is great because this is one of the first experiences I'd had where I'm totally relying on myself. I'm starting to see the good traits I do have and what I can offer. For example, I'm starting to realize that sure, I may not be able to PT like everyone else (I'm not horrible - I can definitely hold my own but I don't stand out as a stud) but I actually USE my brain:

At the O-course, the plebes were lined up in two columns and there were two cadre per column to record times (start times and finish times, where subtraction determines the O-course time...duh). I was doing the start times. My column finished up early because the girls were in the other line to use the assists. So, I figured to run down to the end to start figuring out times with my fellow squad leader. Optimal use of time. My platoon commander runs down and is mad at me for being there. "The girls are still going through." "Yeah I know - they're in the other line to use the assists. The other cadre are getting their times." "The other cadre doesn't know their names! You go down there and do it." "Umm...you're telling me that the other squad leader can't ASK for their names before they go through?" Then he gets pissed at me, grabs the book I was holding with the times, and runs off. I'm pretty sure if we were in a logic contest, I would've won. * sigh * BESIDES THE FACT - HOW FREAKING HARD IS IT TO LEARN THE NAMES OF 8 PEOPLE? I mean, sure, there are a few male plebes from the other platoon that I don't know the names of - but only a few - and let's face it - there are fewer girls and they stand out. HOW IS THIS SO HARD? We expect the plebes to know our names so why don't you know theirs or at least have the guts to ask???

And then this morning:

My plebe has been sick for several days, puking every so often. This morning right at the end of breakfast before going to the O-course, he tells me he's about to vomit. So I send him to the head. I then go to my platoon commander, who is also the first male cadre I see, and tell him what happened and asked him to please check on him. He's royally pissed. "YOU'RE FREAKING MALE - I CAN'T GO IN THE FREAKING HEAD." He's still pissed at me as if it were my fault my plebe is both sick and male and goes off. I tell him I'll be right there - I'm just making sure the chain of command knows. So I tell my CC and he starts freaking out, "WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS!" I'm not freaking out at all: "I'll take him to medical and then drive over." OMG. Like I'm brilliant or something. * another sigh *

Anyway, those are just "wow" moments.

I have some issues with how 2nd Set is run in my platoon but there's only so much I can do (already have tried to do, to be honest) - I can at least run my squad how I see fit (to a point where my platoon commander doesn't step on my toes). I should go to bed and just be ready to get my train on in the morning.

I think I'm going to make Leading from the Front a theme in my head more - like I've already told myself I'm not going to take more time to eat than my plebes have...or at least make it more obvious. Don't hang around at tables after they leave too much (sometimes it's nice, though, to just talk to fellow cadre who stick around to eat). Blah I'm blathering at this point. Sleep time. Hope I fall asleep soon. Slept all afternoon almost.

Sick!

2009-08-04T20:02:00.002-05:00

So I was at the hospital the other day for over 4 hours....

I had a plebe who was having trouble breathing and another plebe who coughed so hard that he burst blood vessels in his eyes and suffered some vision loss. (These two mark the 3rd and 4th people I've had to take to the ER since February).

They're both okay. In fact, both at the O-Course today. The sick one wasn't allowed to do it but the eye plebe was on the power squad and beasted through it. He's mine, btw.

And whilst at the hospital, I managed to impress the eye plebe by naming all 4 languages spoken in Nigeria. Yeah, well, I like to consider myself learned * cough cough *. (We were talking about Nigeria because he grew up there and he told me that he and his family were able to come to the United States because they won a visa lottery). So, being a nerd, I wanted to know more about Nigeria: "What languages do you speak there? WAIT! Don't tell me! Lemme guess!" And yippee I guessed right: English, Igbo, Hausa, and Yoruba. Woo-hoo. Yesterday, during their phone call, I heard him speaking Yoruba(n?). Then, naturally, I explained that the only way on earth I knew that is because during my Quantico internship my job at one point consisted of writing down every single country on the planet and listing all the languages spoken there. Igbo, Hausa, and Yoruba are all strategic/defense languages currently.

And the irony is I STILL had to go to medical THREE times between today and yesterday because my body is trying to wave the white flag. Figures. I hope I feel better soon. TWICE I was offered an SIQ (sick in quarters) chit and both times I said, "No, I think I can push through - I don't want to miss out on anything with my squad." But today finally I nearly fell over. I felt so bad that while we were waking up the plebes I had to go to the wardroom and sit back because I thought I was going to collapse. I still went to the O-course but felt miserable and figured it was time to just say, Hey, ya know what, if I keep pushing through this like I am, I'm only going to get worse and it's negatively affecting my leadership. So I go back to medical just to get an SIQ chit for documentation. I walk in and the doctor's like, "I don't give out SIQ chits." Oh haha you're being a smart aleck. I can play at this game. "Oh really? Haha. What do I need to do to get an SIQ chit?" "No I'm being serious. I don't give them out." Okey dokey. I see where this is going. I explain my situation. "You only have a cold - you don't need to be quarantined." Who the hell said anything about being quarantined? "You need rest - that's all." YEAH - that's what a freaking SIQ chit is FOR. Then he gives me the whole, "You need to learn how to push through and rise up" speech. RIGHT, because I haven't been doing that for the past week being sick. Then I explain, "Sir, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I walked up one flight of stairs today and I felt like I was going to fall. I went to the O-course and my body dragged the whole time and this afternoon I have a squad combat course and I know that if I do it - even though I want to - I'm going to get worse." "You're not going to get worse. You'll feel worse but you won't get worse. That's not how colds work." "REALLY? Where the HELL did you get your medical degree?"

Right so basically what I got out of this is that if you have a sore throat suggesting strep, clogged ears and a possible infection, congestion, nausea, diarrhea, and the frequent sensation that you're going to collapse, you should just go run a marathon and see how things go from there.

Anywho, I ran into Chief on my way back to the hall and he told me to just be SIQ so I slept today. Felt miserable about missing the squad combat course but I knew that if I tried to persist, I was only going to get worse and I can already see it affecting my leadership. Plebe Summer is only so long and I need to be on my game as soon as possible to maximize training.

I call up my mother and tell her what the doctor says and of course, having a brain, my mother is incredulous and then tells me that all the meds he gave me are worthless and I should only take one or two of them. Then she says, in a predictable affectionate motherly tone, "I was hoping you'd get the Swine Flu."

"Mom....what?"

"If you get the swine flu, you'd build up the antibodies and won't need the vaccine. The vaccine is terrible and its side effects are bad - even the doctors at work won't take it."

"Oh okay. That makes sense. Ya know, I could die though."

"Well, it's risk we have to take."

I love you, Mom!

Okay fine, that last comment was more subtext.

Tango: A Very Sad Dance

2009-08-01T22:32:00.003-05:00

Today one of my plebes suddenly Tango'd out - our first in November Company (we've been proud to not have anyone want to quit even being an intense company). It was totally unexpected - I mean at one instant I was blackholing his room and the next, he's moving out.

The plebe was my annoying rifle-confiscated baller plebe and I am honestly upset at the news he's leaving. Yeah, he was obnoxious as HELL and immature, but he had great potential and I was looking forward to him joining the company. The news of him Tango-ing out kinda hit us - we think/heard he probably popped positive on a drug test. :(

His roommate is a plebe in my squad and he asked to speak with me privately. He wanted to know what happened. I told him only what I knew - that he had Tango'd out and that's why his belongings were moved out of the room. I said if he wanted to write him letters, I'll have them delivered. He looked really upset. Like someone knocked the wind out of him or he got news of a death. He's probably one of my most locked-on plebes, never shows emotion, is a prior, yada yada, seemingly the total opposite of the baller plebe, and he started crying. Really lost it. I let him go to the bathroom to let him sort himself out and another detailer found him dry-heaving. I really hope he's okay. I really really feel for him.

I'm really sad too.

I hate wasted potential.

More Amazing Things

2009-08-01T16:01:00.002-05:00

I really liked this ad:

Life: Imagine the Potential

A Remarkable Post

2009-08-01T12:50:00.002-05:00

World! Guess what! I just realized by looking at my Archives section on the tab that these are my ONLY POSTS to ever be written in July!!! Granted it's August now but whatever. I've never posted anything in July since I've started this blog in 2005!

The ceremony for this great achievement will be held at the Ritz later this evening and Clowdy's birthday has been canceled.

Bring It

2009-07-29T22:57:00.003-05:00

Captain Coffey's speech tonight....I love that man. I remembered every bullet point from his speech my own Plebe Summer: faith in God, faith in yourself, faith in your fellow servicemen, faith in your country.

I even remembered he wears a Mickey Mouse watch.

I was walking my injured plebes back from the brief tonight - we were staying up with the platoon but this other Platoon Commander called forward march and basically marched his platoon into my injured plebes and while doing so yelled, "Hey Brokens get out of my way!" omG. I pulled my plebes aside and then I went up to the Platoon Commander, got right next to his face and said quietly enough as to not embarrass him in front of his plebes, "You will never speak to my plebes like that again." And then I just walked away and got my plebes. I was so pissed. I mean, come on. It's one thing to joke about plebes not being people and it's an entirely other thing to not treat them with dignity and respect. And I'm not a hand-holder. Not the Plebe Messiah by a long stretch.

As we were walking back to the hall I turned to my plebes and said, "Hey, the way that Platoon Commander spoke to you was entirely inappropriate. Totally unprofessional." I've been stressing professionalism like crazy this past week. "He was the one calling cadence and setting the pace for his platoon. He's the one who marched into you." I normally don't like criticizing people without giving them a chance to defend for themselves, but I wanted to make a point with my plebes. We've already drilled into their heads that N-26 is legitimately the best and that other companies aren't holding a high standard. They should be aware of bad leadership, bad character, bad discipline. And heck yeah, I want them to know that the people sending them through the grind every day actually care for them and aren't going to let them down.

I was so hoping that PC would confront me about what happened because I really wanted to tell him what piece of crap he acted like but no confrontation occurred. I felt really prepared to stand up for what I did, which is unusual for me. And the good thing is, I wasn't fuming. I kept myself totally in check which is a good thing. I told Sarah what happened and she said, "He didn't confront you because you were in the right. People hate it when you're aggressive and respectful and you were both." :)

I feel like I'm in a new skin but it feels like my skin. I feel like myself. I don't know - it's weird. I lead my squad through the E-course today (the evolution I was MOST worried about this summer) and I didn't puke my guts out with nerves or anything. Yeah, I was a little slow but my squad was super motivated and I didn't wallow in self-pity or anything. So far, over the past 5 or 6 days of 2nd Set, I haven't doubted myself at all, dreaded anything, or felt nervous. I feel good. I'm taking criticism well, I'm not getting upset, and I'm actually making effective leadership decisions! I feel like the me I want to be. At the same time, this me is also partially a humongous douche but it's good to assert yourself.

My squad seemed to be very effective today at passing around food without looking around or talking. They coordinated a plan with each other and I'm so glad to start seeing them work as a team.

The retards in Oscar Co who sit behind my squad at meals challenged my squad to a menu race (only because when I heard one of their plebes give a menu - I was shocked to hear training going on over there - I had my squad sound off louder...and correctly, might i add). As squads, we both finished at the same time so they wanted individual on individual. I had Maher - my plebe who's awesome at rates go and I have to say she gave the BEST menu I have heard in my 3 years as a Midshipman. She was loud, articulate, and fast. The retard "won" only because she slimed through her menu and oh um Oscar moderated it. But I told my squad why we really won. And we all know that I secretly stole their table's hand sanitizer so all in all, Oscar go screw off.

Taught my plebes 5 paragraph order today so now I can use it as a weapon (I made an outline for a writing assignment - basically they write an order for themselves on how to correct a deficiency). Heheheheheheeeee

I only wanted 20ish mins for squad time to teach them this, and they seemed interested which was good (when I told them I'd use it as a weapon, they looked like their world crashed down on them :) hehehe). None of the other squads wrapped up in the time we agreed on so I ended up having a talk with my plebes for an hour and a half! I didn't really want to have a heart-to-heart chat till later but they seemed to get a lot out of it. I told them the meaning behind my ring to give them an idea of what being a Midshipman is about (I described each aspect of the ring I picked), we talked about professionalism, character, integrity. Stuff like that. I let them ask questions and turned down personal ones and ones too Ac Year-oriented. I want them to be focusing on the now. I was a bit concerned that squad time was too informal (all the other squads were sitting around in the p-way so I let my squad do the same) but all in all, the Thoughts of the Day were good and I think I got through to a lot of the plebes in my squad. Don't want to be smokin' and jokin' with them but I guess humor and a little informality has its place.

I have to say I'm so motivated by my plebes when they say they see other companies smokin' and jokin' and they're glad we're not like that. Even the plebes who are struggling and get reamed. I mean, that's awesome. OORAH.

Today I brought my plebes to the barber shop and naturally I had to bring the females to Waves. Before that, they needed to make a head call and the closest head was in another company area. I got them up there and when they were done and fell out, I said to them, "Hey, I'm not going to talk loudly so listen up. We are in enemy spaces. They're not like us. We're November Company and our high standard makes us better. I need you to be intense - we're always supposed to be intense - but here we need to sound off and square our corners with such intensity that the other plebes are ashamed that they're such pieces of crap and that their cadre are ashamed of their crap leadership. Got it?" Oh man. They got it. I was so motivated. The Company Officer had to even come out of his office to see us. I think the mate nearly had a heart attack. It was awesome.

Today before my squad went through the E-course, I turned to them and was like, "Hey, when we go in there, be on the alert for Charlie." I get dead faces back. Then one plebe laughs and had to explain it to his squad mates. "Oh man 4th squad. We're going to have a history lesson at tables soon!"

Tonight before I brought my injured plebes indoors after Captain Coffey's speech, I had them halt and I pointed at the moon. "Look at that sky. Isn't it beautiful?" They looked really in awe. "How many shades of blue can you count?" "Ma'am, you can't, ma'am." "Yeah, it's stunning. See, always take time to notice the beautiful things in life like this, right before you. You can have the worst day of your life and if it ends like this, it wasn't so bad." All three of them: "Ma'am, no, ma'am."

That was a really nice moment.

KOSOVO

2009-07-28T23:16:00.005-05:00

I forgot the daily update:

Today I was so pissed at my plebes for not knowing their rates that I slammed my squad leader's notebook down at tables and my cup went flying into another company's table. I feel like their might have been some psychological trauma as a result because when I retrieved my cup from a plebe, she looked like a little orphan victim of assault and battery.

I am proud though because I thoroughly terrorized my plebes for threatening them with Form 1's and naturally when they didn't perform, I told them I'd write them all up Form 1's. Silly plebes - at least they're not experienced enough to know Form 1's are basically written slaps on the wrist that result in NOTHING. In fact, I think the more negative Form 1's you get, the better chance you have of staying here. Hmm.

I also forbade them from speaking at ALL at tables today. No, "Shipmate, pass the water" crap. I told them to figure out how to get food on their own without looking around or talking. I was in SHOCK when I saw plates moving.

Okay so PHYSICAL THERAPY. Dude, I did physical therapy when I was a plebe for a few mornings (it was basically worthless) and the room was almost empty. THAT PLACE LOOKS LIKE A FREAKING REFUGEE CAMP. Helpless, pathetic bodies strewn ALL OVER THE PLACE. I was like, "AM I IN KOSOVO? SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME." But then I had to check myself - I should have said Ellis Island. Diversity, you know. Just with lots of ice. That's Ellis Island, not diversity - just to be clear.

I taught my plebes the Responsible Drinking Cadence tonight after getting hits off the drill crackpipe:

"Responsible Drinking cadence, count the cadence, count! [0!] Underage drinking! [0] DUIs! [1] Drink per hour! [3] Drinks per night! 0-0-1-3! 0-0-1-3! Go Navy! Drink! Responsibly!"

I decided to let loose at bit at the end and after drill since our platoon was highly motivated and also the best as usual.

Oh and I'm making worthless basketball recruit plebe who isn't putting any effort into earning his rifle back (see previous posts) stand at present arms tomorrow during all of gray space. All 1.5 - 2 hours. I'll let him go to right shoulder arms on very rare occasions. This will continue until he earns his rifle back.

Speaking of worthless basketball recruit plebe, he was one of my refugees this morning:

(When we're about to leave I notice he is basically icing his crotch)

Me: "WHAT are you doing?"
Plebe: "Ma'am, icing, ma'am!"
Me: "Okay umm can you do that somewhere else? Can we go? Is your masculinity firmly intact?"

And then freaking plebe says this to me tonight when I was closing his door for Taps:

"Ma'am! 0530 wake-up please!"
deadly pause
"I'll be sure to bring you a hot breakfast too."
Bancroft Hall room service.

Oh and today I came up with an idea to terrorize my plebes and will probably get me fired, but I think it'll light a fire until a few of them. I'll tell you more about it when I get it done.

Ugh good night finally.

Self-Realization

2009-07-28T22:55:00.004-05:00

Oh, hello World!

I had a wonderful experience today while thrashing my plebes. It went like this:

I was in charge of getting them to Martial Arts class. Okay, let me re-phrase that. I was in charge of getting them to Wimpy Nancy Pants Happy Fun Time with TAD Ensigns Whose Martial Arts Skills Couldn't Overpower a Dismembered Dutch Cripple (AGAIN, I'm NOT a racist - I'm just commenting on the fact that the DUTCH NEVER FIGHT - look at New Amsterdam...uh duh??). Well, my Ops didn't know if we needed to bring mouthpieces or not and so I figured, having much experience with Murphy's Law, that if I didn't have my plebes bring them, they'd need them.

So we're just about to leave and I want accountability.

"Ma'am, 1st squad all plebes present, sir!"
"omG................I said I wanted personnel AND gear accountability. Where are your numbers?!"
minutes later
okay not minutes but a few moments
"WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AROUND? WHY ARE YOU TALKING? FIGURE IT OUT!!"
later
"Ma'am, 1st squad 10/10 plebes present, 10/10 mouthpieces present, ma'am!"
For those of us with an IQ above our shoesize, this continued until the other squads confirmed their accountability.

So they get into Lejeune for the class and immediately the (worthless) TAD Ensigns go, "Oh uh....why did you bring your mouthpieces? You definitely don't need those." Yeah like I'm an idiot to think that maybe possibly something about this Plebe Summer would be intense. Which I guess is true.

Anyway, I listened to the subtle grumbling of the plebes over bearing the burden of carrying their mouthpieces and I must say....with conviction, faithfulness, and purpose......it was at that moment, that glimpse into the mystical world of logistical charlie foxtrots, that my chest swelled with pride and I stood there strong for the first time in my life with the tacit assertion, "I can be a Marine Officer."

E-course in the morning.

Semper Fi, World. Good night.

MIDN McPity

2009-07-27T22:24:00.002-05:00

So my most special plebe (the one who came out in the p-way tonight with his shoulderboards on upside-down, no shoes, dress shirt untucked) wrote in his Thought of the Day: "I can't wait for movie night on Friday! I've never seen We Were Soldiers!"

I nearly died laughing during our nightly ops meeting. I feel bad. This plebe is....special. I need to keep him in my prayers; hopefully he does better. Same with another one of my plebes. I know she has potential - she's just a bit slow on the professional uptake at the moment.

Oh and just in case you forgot or didn't read the post, the flyer we posted in our company spaces about the plebe movie night is fake.

BEARING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-27T22:12:00.003-05:00

Today and yesterday I've been losing my bearing. Not too happy about that. Hopefully I can lock it back on. It's difficult when things like THIS happen:

We were rating our plebes on the bulkhead and I made them give me the General Orders of a Sentry one word per person (they're not really people). This is how it goes (the first order is "To take charge of this post and all government property in view"):

"Ma'am! The! General! Orders! of! a! Sentry! are! 1! To!.........Three! Four!"

Freaking smart alecks.

I also found out that my tallest plebe likes The Notebook.

Oh, also one of the plebes had a ginormous booger sticking on his shirt. Children.

My bearing was so bad tonight that I literally said to my squad, "I have to leave" as I was cracking up. I think part of the problem is that the cadre were letting them "express themselves" as they attacked the lock chain so everyone was boisterous...not to mention the lock chain is named Ms. Kayla. Okay, so this crap is funny but it's not all that effective training. I don't think Plebe Summer should be amusing so I don't assign the same punishments as other cadre do that are just hilarious. I mean, yeah, they're funny but in the end, are we achieving our results? Bearing problems tonight makes me think, no, the funny crap has little place in Plebe Summer.

Yeah so I gotta lock it on fast or else I can't use the following to its best potential:

(after rating my Lizzie MaGuire plebe): "HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU LEARN YOUR LINES FOR LIZZIE MAGUIRE BUT YOU CAN'T MEMORIZE A SIMPLE 10-ITEM MENU????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Oh also I'm going to kill my sister. Smokin' and jokin' in King Hall like she's entitled to personal rights. And annoying me during the track smoker. Fer cryin' out loud. Plebes these days.

However, discussions at tables today was good: We discussed "A Message to Garcia" and I made everyone write down a meaningful quote - we had some good thoughts. We also discussed the 40th anniversary of the lunar landing. A little Americana to feed their souls....

....as my own soul thirsts for theirs.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Oi

2009-07-26T23:12:00.003-05:00

Yeah so umm I owed more pushups today.

I feel bad. I shouldn't be swearing. I don't respect it but it just sorta came out. Oh well. Life goes on.

Tonight I grabbed the gong from the pit room to wake the little plebers up with in the a.m...............

First Plebe Summer Update

2009-07-25T22:53:00.002-05:00

I'm losing my voice. But don't worry it'll grow back.

Compliments to Jason for what I yelled at them this morning:

Our Platoon Commander finds camis bunched up in a ball so I respond with: "26! Eyes! [Snapped, Ma'am!] I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE BUSIER THAN A ONE-LEGGED MAN IN A BUTT KICKING CONTEST, YOU WILL RESPECT YOUR UNIFORM!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I also reamed them out at drill prax last night for flagging themselves. I ended up confiscating one of my plebes' rifles and to earn it back he has to write out, to each of the 34 Commandants of the Marine Corps, the 5 weapons safety rules. For example:

Sir, Major Samuel Nicholas, I will treat every weapon as if it were loaded.
Sir, Major Samuel Nicholas, I will never point my weapon at anything I do not intend to shoot.
Sir, Major Samuel Nicholas, I will keep my finger straight and off the trigger until I am ready to fire.
Sir, Major Samuel Nicholas, I will keep my weapon on safe until I intend to fire.
Sir, Major Samuel Nicholas, I will know my target and what lies beyond it.

Plus another 33 times for the other Commandants.

See, this teaches him something new (the Commandants), drives a point home (weapons safety), and is daggone annoying.

I also plan to teach my squad O-SMEAC (a.k.a the 5 paragraph order) so that every time they screw up they have to write themselves an order on how they plan to unscrew themselves. O-SMEAC = Orientation, Situation, Mission, Execution, Admin & Logistics, Signal & Command (Bizzle, O-SMEAS sounds bad). Of course, the order will have to be modified.

My classmates and I decided to keep our language professional and so we'd give our plebes 10 pushups for every time we swear. Ummm.....I earned them within the first 30 seconds of 2nd set. Oops. Only once. Hehe.

Yesterday I was in charge of our Special Forces (gimps) and so I'd take them on the elevator and rate them. Muahahahaaaaa.

The other companies are exceedingly nasty. Like....omG. When I counseled my plebes they ALL told me they liked being in 26 because we're intense, they're getting trained hard, and they're not in one of those nasty platoons. Oo frickin rah.

I gave my first double time cadence today. Not too bad. Cos it was short (phew) - the only challenging part was the fact that I was losing my voice a bit. But still loud.

My marching can be better but it's not terrible; I am concerned about platoon drill cos JM isn't around a lot and I can tell by thoughts of the day that our plebes miss his competence (prior Marine). Hopefully we can keep them locked on as we take more hits off the drill crackpipe.

Today I made a major logistical error when I made the plebes take their rifles to chapel choir prax (didn't want them to be ridiculously late for drill since they were missing half of it). Oops.

Feelin' good.

Ready...aim.....KILL!

2009-07-23T20:02:00.002-05:00

4th Squad...watch out.
Blog follower(s)....stay tuned for my (hopefully) daily summaries.

Here's a summary from 1st set:

First off, 26th Platoon (that's us) is by far the best, hardest, loudest, most disciplined in the Regiment...we have a reputation oorah
On a pie chart displaying the breakdown on how often all 15 companies (2 platoons each) ITE (punishment PT) their plebes, November Company has nearly 1/2 of that chart and 26 is responsible for 70% of them. Rah.
My classmates hung up a really professional looking flyer in the company area publicizing a "leadership movie" for the 4/C Regiment ("We Were Soldiers"...I hate that movie...anyway). It's fake. Haha.
We have our 26 guide-on rolled up with boot bands so that they earn the privilege to unfurl our company guide-on when they join our company in the fall. Or maybe at the drill competition. Which we WILL win. We have them taking hits on the drill crackpipe just like we did when we were plebes.
I have a plebe in my company who was a co-star on Lizzy Maguire. No joke. Lamadrid - he was the bully who beat up Lizzy's little brother. Not that I knew this without being told.
I have another plebe (Navy E-5) who grew up in Nigeria. His family won the lottery and that's how they were able to come to America. He's our 1st ranked plebe and he wants to be commissioned as a Marine.

Plebe Summer Turnover

2009-07-21T09:55:00.003-05:00

I officially turn-over with 1st Set as a Plebe Summer Squad Leader this Friday morning.

I will probably promptly be relieved of my position because I hurt someone's feelings.

Hopefully it lightnings on this parade like it did for our Plebe Summer...

Hitler in Captain Planet

2009-07-13T10:41:00.002-05:00

So this weekend and last I drove up to Philadelphia from Quantico to visit Andy and his family. This past weekend Coley came and the three of us spent an entire afternoon watching cartoons:

Bugs Bunny
Foghorn Leghorn
Daffy Duck
Pepe LePew
Marvin the Martian
Yosemite Sam
Phineas and Ferb (okay NOT a Looney Tune but it's the only show on the Disney Channel I appreciate...discovered it last weekend when I was puking and couldn't go to Independence Hall with Andy's fam to see the Philadelphia Pops)
Jonny Quest
The Wonder Years (all right NOT a cartoon but I was getting nostalgic...yeah so Andy and Coley took the controls away from me after I put on the theme song of Growing Pains)

But that wasn't all...oh no...there was one cartoon left....Captain Planet (you can read my brief spoof here)

We discovered "Hitler in Captain Planet." I won't comment. It speaks for itself.

Making Sunday Holy

2009-07-09T12:30:00.001-05:00

This is CatholicVote.org's Sunday page.

Cool idea.

S'more Motivation

2009-07-09T12:27:00.002-05:00

A condensed version of one of those "Motivation in a Minute with stories that are long-winded and actually take more than a minute to read and are often times letdowns" emails: A father is comparing his journal entry with his son's:

Wasted the whole day fishing with Jimmy. Didn’t catch a thing.
With a deep sigh and a shaking hand, he took Jimmy’s journal and found the boy’s entry for the same day, June 4. Large scrawling letters, pressed deeply into the paper, read:
Went fishing with my dad. Best day of my life.

This is from To a Child, Love is Spelled T-I-M-E

I think that's true. I posted this cos I think it makes a point about our perspectives. Also I'm avoiding work.

"Motivation in a Minute" WTH

2009-07-09T12:23:00.001-05:00

This was the most depressing "motivational" email I ever received - what the heck:

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday morning. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the garage with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it:

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whomever he was talking with something about “a thousand marbles.” I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.

“ Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. It’s too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital,” he continued; “Let me tell you something that has helped me keep my own priorities.” And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a “thousand marbles.”

“You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.

“Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3,900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part.

It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail,” he went on, “and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1,000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear.”

Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There’s nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.

Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.

It was nice to meet you Tom. I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. This is a 75 year old man, K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!”

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.”

“What brought this on?” she asked with a smile.

“Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. And hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles.”

Door: 1 Leslie: 0

2009-07-07T10:35:00.004-05:00

Okay so I'm in Quantico again doing an internship at CAOCL (Center for Advanced Operational Culture Learning). I'm basically in a box feeling (but not acting) important hehe.

So I want to make a good impression - Day 2 (today) I walk in and can't get in my office figuring the door is locked so I ask the director whose office is next door, he gets up and the door goes "click." I felt like imbecile. A foreign feeling, naturally.

Here are some quotes I liked while going through my ridiculously-saturated gmail account on my break:

"If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." - Sir Isaac Newton

"Well done is better than well said."
Benjamin Franklin
(1706-1790)

"All the adversity I've had in my life, has strengthened me. You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."
Walt Disney
(1901-1966)

"It is better to light the candle than to curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt
(1884-1962)

"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both."
Dwight Eisenhower
(1890-1969)

"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."
Henry Ford
(1863-1947)

"Life is one grand, sweet song, so start the music."
Ronald Reagan

Reagan Rocks. GET IT??
(1911-2004)

An Incomplete Rant from I-Day whilst in the Pi Room...

2009-07-01T14:11:00.002-05:00

I need to be posting more. My blog has become stagnant the month I was at Leatherneck! Completely unacceptable! I mean I'm so good about being consistent with posting....*laughs sardonically*

Anyway it's I-day, I let my sister off this morning, and now I'm in the Pi Room exploiting a printer (actually it didn't work so I went to look if any hospitable profs were in and I saw Carl's door open, realized it was hopeless and just starting writing another sarcastic comment on Richard's door...I ended up running into his wife and she printed out my orders for me and we talked about Russia yay!), listening to music (Emmylou Harris) and waiting for Richard to come in so I can bug him about the presentation with Alex and EK's faces X'ed out missing....

Had a swim team meet and greet yesterday....not a fan of how the varsity athletes get certain privileges over Plebe Summer but I managed to almost enjoy it yesterday...scoping out my victims...I actually met one girl who's seems level-headed...kinda reminds me of me...minus the level-headed part (haha...unfortunately that's kinda true) and we had a good talk....didn't much feel like talking to the other pre-plebes but this girl seemed to have the right mindset and was looking for someone to talk to since she was super nervous. She'll be in 28th Company and as luck would have it she's thinking of being a physics major. Rah physics.

I'm pretty nervous about being a cadre. I just...I don't know. I feel like I can't do this. I really feel held back by something. I look in the mirror and I don't see this strong, confident young woman. I see this nervous, awkward kid. It's depressing. I feel awkward. All-around socially delinquent. And I can't be tough! I don't know why. I mean...what is tough? What is strong? I've been questioning my abilities so much lately that it's completely natural - confidence is a foreign, awkward feeling.

Hmm...I can't figure out "who to be." "Be yourself." Yeah well I think I'm too nice as a person....eek I don't know. I get walked over a lot. I hate that. I kinda wish I acted more in high school/middle school...I feel like leadership is a lot of acting (for a lot of people) until it's finally natural. Maj Donahoe over Leatherneck talked to me about doing theatre and imagining you were John Wayne or those amazing leaders in movies. He has a point. I mean I have to imagine myself doing it right. He also said to think of things as "the Word made flesh." He said in that case he wasn't just referring to Christ but actually to adopting the language to convince myself of my abilities and then to enact them...I have a lot of desire and he sees that but he talked about "desire turned into action." I'm having a problem with the action part.

I think a lot of this is a self-esteem issue. I mean why should I look in the mirror and get upset over things like how I look? I obsess a lot over my weight. And stupid things I can't change. Like my nose. Ugh gah I hate my nose. Oh gah eew it's horrible. So I feel like, I don't look good, so why should I feel good and then that's a great recipe for confidence.

I think if I develop myself better physically I'll just be better all-around. I don't think I'll be as unhappy about how I look in that case. I mean, I can't change everything but I won't be worrying so much about how I look. That's one benefit. Another obvious benefit is that being in great shape is just good for daily life and being able to hold your own when physical requirements become demanding. Another benefit is that knowing I'm physically capable of doing something with help me feel more confident. So I should work out even more.

BUT this past week - my only off this summer and the week after Leatherneck - I was exhausted! It took me DAYS to finally get the motivation to work out and when I did I was only half a mile into a jog when my legs and my chest seized up on me and I couldn't breathe properly. Felt like I had sprinted awhile and it was bad. But I know I'm not out of shape. It was weird. I ended my workout early because I really didn't think I was well and I went inside. My mom got worried so she took out her stethoscope (I prolly spelled that wrong) and she said she heard ricketts or rackets or something of that nature in my lungs. I've been coughing for a while and I've been having this shaking sensations in my chest. My father said he doesn't hear anything but my mom kept checking because I've been having these shaking sensations and shortness of breath for several days now and she hears a expiratory wheeze. She thinks I have a lung infection or something or seasonal asthma.

Ya know just cos life gets monotonous when you're healthy.

A Flickering of Hope for 2012

2009-06-26T13:24:00.002-05:00

I got this message from one of my former plebes:

"you have trained me well, i properly pronounced mozzarella cheese and my family looked at me like i had five heads"

It's nice to know you make a good impression on at least one of the dirty nasties.

my response: "nice work, young grasshopper."

5 Good Years

2009-06-19T20:39:00.003-05:00

I finished Leatherneck today and I got recommended for the Marine Corps.

And here's to exactly 5 years of friendship with Jason. I had his Captain bars with me the whole time. Oorah.