Pistol Qual

So we all know that there aren't many things I'm good at (actually...is there anything I'm good at? Besides maintaining the loyalty of the one reader of this blog, Mary Beth?). And pistol shooting (shooting in general, actually) is NOT one of them.

TBS was an unq'ing disaster (unq = unqualify = not good = extremely humiliating), but after learning some basic things like....don't sight in with both eyes open....focus on the sights and not on the target....shoot at the target....I figured I learned enough that qualing would never be a major problem again. And besides, at TBS I was exhausted from miserable hikes every morning and afternoon, getting up at 4, going to bed late, baking in Black Flag weather, getting yelled at and insulted at every possible second. None of these would be factors here in Lejeune. So I felt all right going into this.

Though I had a brief few days of panic at unqing - I Google searched the patron saint of marksmanship (we have a saint for everything) and found St Gabriel Possenti. A couple days later I found a St Gabriel Possenti medal at church (kinda random since I don't think he's really well known) and I attached it to my scapular and have been wearing it ever since. I also got a medal of Our Lady of Perpetual Help...since I need it...and also I consecrated my commission to her at school. I also attached it to my scapular.

And I knew on qual day I would be completely bling'd out with my rosary and my St Jude (patron of hopeless cases) keychain so really....what could go wrong?

And then I forgot that all the saints need to pray extra hard for me to actually succeed at something since I'm a total disaster.

The day before qual, I researched the "Spirit Byte" I send to Shannon via email every morning and decided to find a St Gabriel quote. When I Googled him, I found a site featuring St Gemma Galgani's reflection on her illness and how St Gabriel Possenti appeared to her, urging her to pray more fervently and consistently for her intention. (I happen to love St Gemma and have had a picture of her in my Bible for years.) It was in this reflection that I learned that St Gabriel Possenti was a Passionist priest (because the Passionist badge ended up being a particularly special part of the story). You can read about it here.

Anyway, that day, after Mass as I was leaving the chapel, I found a card on a table that read "A Passionist Spiritual Gift"!!! I thought it was a sign that St Gabriel would take care of me on the range!! So I went in to Thursday feeling confident that it would be okay.

But Thursday's range was cancelled. Which freaked me out a bit because I prayed that God would just cancel the ranges if I'd unq! But the range was on for Friday.

I woke up at 0430, went in early-ish for company PT, then went straight to the range.

Since I felt okay, I didn't even add up my score until the end of the first relay. I was TWO POINTS off from qualing! I couldn't believe it. I then got really nervous. Just so you know, the points are out of 400 (40 rounds): 245 for Marksman, 305 for Sharpshooter, and 345 for Expert. Yeah I know, getting 245 out of 400 shouldn't be that hard, shut up.

And this is how the relays go: you shoot 15 rounds at the 25 yard line in 10 minutes - "slow fire". Then you shoot 1 round in 5 seconds at the 7 yard line (you do this drill five times - "quick fire"). Then you shoot 2 rounds in 4 seconds at the 7 yard line (you do this drill four times - "quick reaction"). Then you shoot 3 rounds, reload, and shoot another 3 rounds in 20 seconds at the 15 yard line (you do this drill twice - umm and we'll call it "speed reload"). I know this doesn't sound that hard. I know. Oh and I should mention we fire the M9 Beretta (9mm).

I even voluntarily took the M9 MarineNet class (online classes are boring and miserable) and I EVEN TOOK NOTES.

Anyway, I got nervous and sucked royalled. I shot worse on the second relay (231). And even worse on the third relay (217). At this point, I was one of two people who unq'd and the only Officer and just totally embarrassed. And it was ironic that at the 25 yard line, my coaches kept commenting on how I was "tearing up the black"...they said I was remarkably good at the 25 yard line, but as soon as I get close and have to do quick fire, I choke. Before the fourth relay, the coaches did drills with us so we'd get better at the quick fire. But lo and behold, I unq again - a 241. My coach added up the score and wouldn't tell me until the corporal next to me added up her score. She got a 250. "Ma'am! That's great - you know what that means? We only have ammo enough for one more shooter so you can go one more time!" Great. Just...yippy skippy. Cos I really wanted to go through that again.

I was noticeably flustered and discouraged. I hate when I get that way ("not professional") but I was so humiliated and confused and didn't think there was any way I would ever qual. I imagined myself being the only lieutenant in the entire Marine Corps who wouldn't rate a pistol badge. How humiliating. Every time I got discouraged, though, I prayed the St Michael prayer - or just part of it - ("St Michael, defend me in battle, be my protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil...") since I know discouragement doesn't come from God. But I felt like I was a failure as a Marine - there really isn't a single thing I'm good at in Marine Corps-world and that I would never get career designated and that I didn't even deserve the wear the uniform NOW.

My coach let me take a break and said I could shoot the fifth relay when I was ready. I just tried to calm myself down and get myself mentally prepared to do this one more time. I was afraid that I would waste all my shots since I was so mentally and emotionally worn out. I listened to a homily in the car on my drive in to work that morning and Fr Magat (from St William of York parish in Stafford, VA) talked about the wedding at Cana and how Mary said to Jesus, "They have no wine." She didn't make any demands or beg Him for anything - she just listed a concern to the Lord, and how this is a model for prayer since it allows God to act as He will with our prayers and concerns. So as I stood at the 25 yard line, I thought briefly of that and prayed in a sort of sad delirium, "God, I'm not concentrating on my shots" - since I noticed that at the 25 yard line I was getting worn out. "God, I'm a little shakey." "God, I'm jerking the trigger during quick fire."

The OIC is a lieutenant in my battalion and he's also a USNA grad. He asked to see my target. Number 4. He then told me to join him. I expected it to be an excuse to get me away from the corporals and to scold me for being flustered and emotional and to act like an Officer and get it together. But it wasn't. He talked to me like a person. He analyzed my target and gave me pointers on what he was seeing. I really felt dignified. And he said not to feel so embarrassed about poor shooting and that if I'm not shooting well, it's probably because I haven't received the coaching I've needed.

So I went back to the 25 yard line, took a few more minutes to myself. I was so confused that I wasn't doing well after all the prayers - I mean, what more did I have to do?? But I tried to remind myself that this morning, like every morning, I wake up and the first thing I pray is, "Lord, Your will be done today." If it was His will that I'd unq, I can't argue since that's what I ultimately prayed for.

So I said I was ready for the fifth relay. I wished I had shot those two extra points in the first relay and save myself the humiliationg and exhaustion of going through this over and over again. But I tried to tell myself to have fun on this fifth one, not worry about the score, and just try to learn so that next time when I come back to try to qual again, I'll be better. As I began the slow fire, I prayed, "Lord, put my round where you want it to go." I didn't even bother to look at my score after each part of the relay, since I figured I'd unq anyway, and at this point I was pretty used to it.

I slowed myself down for the quick fire drills so much that I got two shots out late...but when I went to my target at the end, I noticed they miraculously hit the target. My coach added up my score and commented on how he saw major improvement. When he was done he said, "Ma'am...you're a sharpshooter." 321. I couldn't believe it. "NO! I don't believe you!" "Ma'am, I PROMISE! And this isn't one of those 'the range hooked you up' kind of things." He let me see my score sheet and I added it up too just to prove it to myself. It really was 321. I didn't shoot anything under a 7 on the slow fire (and I shot something like four 10s and four 9s), and everything else was much higher than in the previous relays. 321. A sharpshooter. And not even on the cusp (305).

I realized that if I shot two extra points that first time, or four extra points that fourth time, or even qual'd at all, I would never have made sharpshooter that day. If that corporal didn't score five points above qual'ing, there wouldn't have been enough ammo left for both of us to shoot again. And I never would have gotten the one-on-one coaching I needed or the extra practice.

And honestly - God bless my coach, one of the corporals there. He was so patient with me and encouraging and he never treated me like I didn't deserve to be a Marine. So different from TBS. I was really blessed to have him there.

I celebrated by buying my Pistol Sharpshooter badge and then I went to a florist (next to the exchange) to buy a rose to present at the Adoration Chapel to thank God. The lady there gave me a free sample of a dark chocolate champagne treat too :D And I also have a souvenir since every time I pulled the trigger, skin would rip off my left thumb...and remember, this happened over 200 times....

I know God is taking care of me...but I don't understand why I have to fail so much before I finally succeed. And I wish my successes weren't just flukes. Every now and then I feel like God is telling me, "Leslie, I'm not going to let you fail." But I feel like that's always for some other time, because I fail so much now. Though, I felt Him saying that to me at the beginning of the fifth relay. I just wished I could finally complete Marine Corps events without worrying about failing. I wish I had actual TALENT, not just a desire or passion to be good.