Guidance

I had final land nav today. I dreamed last night that I'd fail it. I failed it.

My test nerves were increasing linearly as the week progressed. I started out feeling good - just another evolution - then I got anxious to almost worried by last night. I knew I'd do fine though - the only challenge would be a rogue box and the time limit, but I've done well on other land nav evolutions (minus Land Nav II when I was sick, it was unbelievably hot, and I had a non-functioning compass).

Got up early to have breakfast with Shannon and Erin, then filled my magazine pouches with food - beef jerky, protein bars, protein shake (for morale)...

I got to the classroom and then I pooped. For good luck.

I plotted my plots. Almost a perfect circle - nice card! Not too far away either. This would be good. Then I picked out my attack points. Oh gross. I had 4 points that would be easy (in theory) - along a stream, 100m away from an intersection etc. The rest not too great. I was the last lieutenant to leave the classroom. The Capt didn't even know I was there cos I was hidden behind chairs on the tables and he shut the light on me. So I left to get on a bus.

I had a good attack point for my first box but after an hour I couldn't find it and gave up. Found #2 and #3 during the next hour. I low-crawled through thorns, pretty sure I got stabbed in my eye, and discovered a fence between me and my box. Used a stream intersection for #4 but I think it was the wrong one so I got severely lost and spent an hour and half trying to find a hardball road which was supposed to be only 800m away. I knew I'd fail. I basically lost it. By 1330 (after being out there since 0900) I only found two boxes and I needed at least 7 to pass and get a 70. I had two and a half hours left. Impossible.

I prayed and prayed and prayed but I envisioned myself getting rolled back for sucking at life and kept crying. I was humiliated to be myself - nothing new here - and I thought of all the Mids back at school and all my old classmates who never thought I'd make it anyway. I have no military skill whatsoever I don't know what I'm doing in this profession. I should have become a musician instead of letting what skill I could have had in music fall to the wayside so I could pursue a career in the military. I still want to be a Disney animator. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HERE? I can't shoot, I can't run, I can't hike, I'm certainly no Desert Fox, and I can't land nav. I can barely even walk through the woods without ending up looking like an Emo kid. And I cry. "Officers don't cry." I cry all the time.

I had so many negative thoughts today. I thought about my ex-boyfriend and how he never struggles with anything and how we had another fight the last time I saw him and how just as usual everything works out just great for him and he can't understand what it's like for me to struggle and why I have such a low self esteem and zero confidence. I'm so bitter that he didn't even want to be a Marine until a month before service selection and never did any of the training for it but he got it and did just great at TBS and is living such a happy, spectacular life and here I am in my 5 feet and 5 inches of pure worthlessness have wanted to be a Marine since middle school (to prove to myself I can do something I clearly am not cut out for) and I've pushed myself through every misery I had available to me for years to get better at this stuff and I just suck. I suck. I'm sick of getting texts from him asking me how I'm doing when I just don't feel like telling him that I fail everything and I suck at life and I'm a total catastrophe. He wins all the time. He has an amazing talent for making me feel completely worthless and he doesn't even understand that. "Leslie, stop worrying. I don't worry about anything because everything works out for me." If we weren't in public when he said that to me, I might have finally punched him in the face. I would rather he really meant that to be cruel but he's so innocent in his obliviousness to how he affects me that I end up feeling like the bad one everytime I get enraged at him. I know he means well. I'd feel better if he didn't.

I finally lost all hope in myself during land nav and I finally prayed, "God, it's all You. It isn't me anymore. I can't do this. Work through me." It was really spontaneous. I was a tearful disaster because I kept getting worked up about having to repeat TBS. I've failed at qualing on rifle and pistol the first time, I failed the E-course dreadfully, and now I've failed final land nav. I can't do this place again. I cannot go through this again. It is NOT in me. I dream about December 16 every day and it feels so far away. I don't understand myself though. Everything we've done is do-able. Miserable most of the time but do-able. I feel like my life is on hold at this place. I hate my room, I feeled trapped here. I haven't read a book in forever even though I've started 4 already. I haven't drawn or painted or written a poem or digested poetry in forever. I haven't played piano. I haven't seen a really beautiful derivation since May and I miss miss miss physics. I stared at a simple kinematics problem the other night and couldn't remember how to solve it. My mind is going and that was my only strength.

"God, it's all You." I had a talk with myself as I made an attempt to get an better score than 20/100 during the final two and half hours. I said, "Leslie, if you truly want to be a good Marine and a good Marine Officer, you have to be willing to do TBS again." I have to take what God throws at me. If I pray with Shannon every morning for God to make us the best Marines we can be, not for ourselves but for Him, then I have to embrace what that requires. It will be so humiliating to be rolled back and I imagine that's probably a career killer, but if that's what I need, then I have to be ready for it. It can't be about me, it has to be about God and the Marines I'm responsible for...hopefully going to be responsible for.

So when I said, "God, it's all You," I found boxes. No joke. I walked through the LZ where we were during patrol and found the box I walked by a few weeks ago. Then I followed a stream and found my next box. I counted the boxes I hadn't looked for yet - three to go. I looked at my watch - an hour and a half left. I first thought to just go for the easy one and call it a day but then I jerked myself by the collar (figuratively) and said, "NO. I'm fighting for this." Box #8 was the one that got me befuddled in the classroom. I looked at it, saw NO decent attack points ANYWHERE NEAR IT, and said, "Yeah, so that's the one I'm skipping." Well, I was walking/running along a trail and said, "Ya know what, lemme try it anyway." I shot an azimuth for the winds of the road and tried to match them up with my map. I thought I finally had and and walked 250m west-ish. Unbelievable - found the damn thing in 5 minutes. "SUN"

Then I ran some more and found #9 quickly too. This put me at a 60% with 36 minutes to find #10 and get a passing score. My body was eating itself but I forced myself to run as much as I could. I got to my next improvised attack point (luckily on the road) with 14 minutes to find this last box before I had to catch the bus and not get a zero for being late. It started to rain and I felt good since the red box should stand out more (always appreciated how the rain makes colors more vivid). I was close. I was so close. I knew it was there. I found the intermittent stream it was supposed to be 100m off from, I was going up a finger...I KNEW IT WAS CLOSE. But alas, I ran out of time. I had to go back the 50m to the road. I was heartbroken, but I was proud that I fought for it. I wish I had five more minutes, but I can't play that game.

I was right with all the boxes I found. 60%. Saturday I'll try for the 70, at least. I hate that, like pistol, land nav feels like a crapshoot. I never really got help - I was alone obviously for all the other land nav evolutions we had and I never had a buddy for the remedials like other people had. Land Nav II was a waste since I was sick and had non-working compass and the remedial went terribly. I found another lieutenant who was looking for the same box so we helped each other to that box, then another guy walks up (someone's buddy - so someone who KNOWS land nav) and says, "Hey where do you think you are." "We think we're here." "No you're wrong." "Oh man...that stinks. Can you help us figure out where we are?" "Nope, sorry. Not my place." We went searching for that box the rest of the time (stupidly I guess) and then found out at the end that we were right the whole time. That's also when I learned that my compass wasn't working right. I passed Land Nav III but I had to do the remedial since I failed that last remedial. I asked my friend from school to be my buddy but I found out at the last minute that he wasn't allowed to help me since he's from another platoon. It would have been nice to have someone answer your questions. Never really got that.

I know I should be proud of myself. I got zeros during Leatherneck and it was unlike me to fight as hard as I did during those last two and a half hours. Normally, once I defeat myself, it's game over.

As I looking longingly into the woods as I awaited the bus, I thought about God. "God, You hid that last box from me. You hide Yourself from me a lot - why do You do that?" It would have been a miracle for me to pass today, but I didn't pass. Not yet. God, are You going to get me there and when? And don't you worry, not an hour goes by when I don't think about my terror of failing the E-course again.

It comforted me that I wasn't the only one who failed - the other girl room did (I really like them) so we can share the grief. But I'm admittedly jealous both my roommates passed, especially since Shannon and I usually commiserate together. Don't get me wrong - I don't want anyone to fail.

I got really upset listening to people who passed complain. That bugs me a lot. On the bus ride back I heard a bunch of guys gloat about their military skills grade. Hopefully someday those people meet with a catastrophic sledgehammer slam to the crotch. Okay, I didn't really mean that. Maybe.

We have a ton of work to do to get ready for FEX II next week. I doubt I'll have time to relax this weekend. I really need my weekends to keep myself from being miserable 100% of the time. I was honestly excited about land nav today cos I thought it would guarantee free weekends from now on (no more remedials was the plan). Oh irony. I was hoping to see Jon before he leaves for Pensacola but I might miss him entirely. Not even sure if it's a good idea to even go to Annapolis this weekend. I prolly still will since I'm so unhappy around Quantico. Maybe I can get my order done tomorrow night? And my command evals? And get my pack ready? And get enough sleep and food to function during 7+ hrs of remedial land nav? And mentally prepare myself for a week of misery?

I didn't go out to dinner tonight. I want to work on my order. As you see, I've been blogging instead soooooo

I'm hungry but I can barely eat when I'm upset. I know my body is suffering. I think I punish myself.

Gosh this was a sad day. God? I was proud of myself for keeping it together when I got my card graded and for not hanging my head or crying or letting my defenses down for when someone who inevitably make me feel worthless and shameful for my performance. I hope I can keep this going but my attitude regressed when I got to my room. I think I'm such a disappointment. To my friends and family, to 26th Company, to Mike, to Chief, to CAPT, and most especially to Jason. Shannon says I should call him when I get upset with my performance at TBS but I'm too ashamed to so I just blog and send him texts instead.

God, I really need You. It's all You.