Hold On to the Dream

~For Christie~

Oh, Dios, crea en mi...Oh, Dios, crea en mi, crea un corazon, un corazon puro!

Blessed and Happy Lent to all of you. I hope your Ash Wednesday was as *fruitful* as mine.

I have many things I want to say in this last post before I leave for a weekend in DC with my government class.

Lent is my favorite time of year...my most happy. I find the sacrifice and the austere living and all the reflection to be THE CRUX of joy. For me, Lent is everything because it leads directly to Heaven.

I had such a moving experience during Holy Week last year and I didn't have the experience I wanted this year during Advent so I really planned on focusing this entire season on bettering myself so I can better my relationship with God. I know part of bettering myself includes pushing myself harder so that I'll be ready for the summer (exactly 4 months yesterday). I've been disorganized and unmotivated lately so for the next 7 weeks I will abstain from music, TV, and checking blogs more than once. No junk food. I'm getting up every day at 5 instead of just every now-and-then, and even if I don't feel well enough to get in a good workout, I will stay out of bed until night. My goal is bed by 11, but that might not happen until I get used to getting things done early. No napping. No "resting." I have some goals: to find the value in getting up early and staying up, to play piano more, to study Spanish, to read more, to be able to accomplish mind over matter, and to pray more.

I've always loved sacrificing and plain, simple living when I can direct it to God. Any other way, any "well I'm doing this really for me but since it's not particularly fun I'll offer it up to God" just doesn't work for me. Just by virtue that it's Lent I feel I have the motivation to sacrifice and sacrifice for God.

I fasted today...it's good. I considered fasting more for Lent but I realize I can't do that since I really need to get in the training I need for summer. I once fasted for an entire month - I was reading about Islam and I felt motivated to challenge myself for God when I learned about how many Christians practice the fasting of Ramadan as a way of oblation. I loved that fast. I got so much out of it...I started to appreciate sunset. The sky right before true night (when I could finally eat) was beautiful velvety navy blue.

So, knowing that Lent this year was going to be a challenge that I expect to get much from only if I put much in, I did something yesterday I haven't done in a long time and I didn't expect to be able to do for an even longer time: I went back to confession.

I had a down weekend and a bad Tuesday and I knew I should confess it out. Fr Dairo gave Mass yesterday so I felt even more compelled to confess. I knew I would walk away lighter..."light"er...

He stayed with me until almost ten o' clock at night. I learned a lot. I learned I can't find replacements for the people God chose to put in my life. I learned that love is a gift you give to someone - it's not dependent on worthiness. I learned the difference between compassion and mercy. Compassion's easy. Compassion is when you take on the suffering and you love someone who deserves it. It is beautiful. But mercy is even more beautiful. Mercy is when you take on the suffering and you love someone who deserves nothing of it.

Fr Dairo and I talked about my future. He said he knows someday we will meet again and that I will have gone very far. He says I push myself to that limit. He said I will make him very proud. He was always very happy for me when I first told him I applied to Annapolis (back at a retreat in August). He was so proud when I showed him my LOA in September - he said immediately "put this in Mary's hands." I loved that he said that because Mary is my confirmation saint and she means so much to me - and even more because he showed me a renewed devotion to her. I remember repeating what he said to me over and over in my head when I thought I would fail my medical exam because of my damaged legs. When I finally got my appointment in January, I didn't show him because...I was shy...and I didn't know if it would be like bragging (my choir director/friend made me show him my LOA). But on the very first Sunday I cantored the Spanish psalm from the pulpit, he stopped me right before the procession (the music was playing and the people started walking already!!) to congratulate me. He was so excited. We were talking about Annapolis last night - how in four months I'm going to be away from all this. He said when he was in his seminary in Maryland, he used to visit Annapolis and he met the Academy's chaplain and considered becoming a chaplain himself. Both of us will have made our formation in Maryland - only an hour and a half apart. That makes me very happy.

I felt very renewed yesterday and it carried into today. Whenever I talk to Fr Dairo, my elation lasts. I don't want to think that in less than 4 months, I'm not going to see him anymore.

Today in PC we had a forgiveness ceremony. I thought it perfect with what happened and where I am today. Mercy, I think, is one of the most profound, most Christ-like gifts anyone can offer.

Last night, Fr Dairo and I started talking about languages too. He said it's so good to study languages because it is an amazing thing to be able to talk to someone is his native language...you can learn so much about other people, yourself, and you can really open yourself to God's world. I already study 2 languages: French and Russian. But it was so perfect that he said that exact thing to me. It makes me feel that my effort to finally learn Spanish will be realized. I love languages that I have 6 different courses plus the Spanish books I got from the library. Unfortunately, I begin to teach myself a new language but I get unmotivated or busy. I've started German, Italian, Korean, Arabic, Aramaic, Greek, Latin and Persian.

Today at Mass I learned to say "hasta pronto" - it was pretty nice. Usually, Ricardo is really quiet. And afterward, Deacon Tullio say "thank you" to me so genuinely that I felt like I really am part of the Hispanic church community. Maria (Ricardo's wife) tells me all the time that the whole community has completely embraced me, but I always feel like an outsider just because I always isolate myself due to extreme shyness. But I want to learn Spanish so I can do more.

Mass was beautiful. We sang with a lot of passion. When I went up to get ashes, Fr Dairo traced his thumb slowly and deliberately down on my forehead, saying the first part of "From dust you came" in Spanish...it was so amazing for me because of his sincere reverence in doing so...the pause was stilling...and then he finished the cross with the end of the verse in Spanish - "and to dust you shall return." I wish I could wear thoses ashes every day. I love the ashes.

Tonight I visited my grandmother at Masonic, where my father works as a physician assistant. She had a stroke last week. I saw her with my big black cross on my forehead and she said at Yale she was told if she kept her light on, someone would come in to give her ashes. No one came, so I rubbed my thumb against my forehead and gave them to her repeating the prayer. I'm not sure if I'm not allowed to do that, but I think I did the right thing. I felt beautiful doing that.

Ash Wednesday...ashes...mercy...Lent...I've been thinking about some things and I'll do my best to briefly but correctly describe them:

I wanted to write a post about "goodbye to CJ." CJ is the nickname my entire family has for my aunt's restaurant (C.J. Sparrow). It sounds like we're visiting a relative when we say we're "going down to CJ's." In fact, the restaurant kinda WAS a member of the family...

My aunt owned the bar with two friends she had known and worked with for years. CJ's opened in November of 2004. It became one of the most popular places in Cheshire. Unfortunately, my aunt's co-partners cheated my aunt and illegally kicked her out of the business a few weeks ago because they "weren't making enough money." They set up a separate bank account and embezzled money from my aunt...yeah, it's been tough. I know her two co-partners and I just can't believe people that kind on the outside and whom I've introduced to my friends are in touch with no decency. I don't understand that. But I think this is where mercy comes in.

My aunt rightfully is suing them - her only option is to go for dissolution of the business. So CJ's is gone...even if she does lose the case (highly unlikely since her former partners have been digging themselves into a whole legal mess) our family lost the institution that made my aunt so happy and so much better. She found something that gave her stability and a dream. But selfishness snatched it away.

Mercy.

But....I think I will end with something else:

CJ is also the name of Christie's nephew whose birthday it is today. March 1 is also the birthday of one of my heroes, Mike Spann, who would have been 37. I'll put a link on the sidebar to the post I wrote for him on the anniversary of his death on 25 November. I think knowing my own affection for Mike made it a bit surreal that CJ shares a birthday with him. I'm purposefully writing this in the present tense, Christie, because I believe God wanted an angel from your family. Mary Beth's mom said a neighbor told that to her when Charlie died in January. If it weren't for the beautiful post you wrote about your nephew, I would never have emailed you back around Christmas. I remember during one Mass in December I immediately thought of you when the congregation took a moment of silence to ask God for intecessions. I just want to let you know that I thought of you again tonight at this beautiful Mass and that I can't even exaggerate when I say that you and your family are top priorities on my prayer list. I am very grateful for having you in my life even though we barely know each other and only exchange emails or blog comments here and there.

May God bless you all and may God create in you a pure heart, a transformation like this season from ash to joy. Hold on to the dream.